Wanna eat ME?

A new shop has opened in the local mall - some kind of artsy fartsy bubblebath and handcream shop, much like the Body Shop. DD andDM of course had to investigate this new kid on our block.

Well, they had all the usual fruity / vegetable facemasks etc - so you can cleanse your face with a cucumber mask, then slather on some basil and papaya cleanser, followed by a refreshing dose of lemon and strawberry toner and finally some kiwi and mango moisturizer. So, all in all you can smell like a fruit salad (or a Caeser salad, it's your choice!)

All well and good, but then we spied something that was strange - even for us!! Tomato flavoured handcream, zucchini flower spritzer and mushroom handbalm. Now, who the hell wants to smell like a freaking tomato - eeww, secondly : what on earth does a bloody zucchini smell like? Does anyone know ... does anyone WANT to smell like that?? Ok, and finally, mushrooms grow in shit and have a musty, rotten, shitty smell - who would want a handbalm that smelt like that?

Wait ... it gets better .... (cue dramatic music .... ta ta ta ta)

DD called DM over to look at a bottle of Hotdog shampoo....

No way !!! You've got to be kidding ... it even has a picture of a dog on a hotdog bun on the bottle. Imagine your lustrous tresses blowing gently in the breeze, and reeking of hotdogs.

But, then they slightly (ever so slightly!) redeemed themselves ... it was actually dog shampoo ... you know, so you can have a "hot" dog!!

Mmmm, methinks the world done gone crazee!!

So, how many DATES have YOU eaten????

Me, well I must admit there are some dates I would not eat : 25th December seems a bit inedible, and 22nd January would probably give you indigestion, but all other dates seem ok, what do you say??

Then, of course I would never eat a date on the first date - convent bred and all that!

But, I do LOVE fruit dates (no, not fruity dates with limp wrists)

What am I going on about ??????

I LOVE DATES !!!

Well, I told you that the date palms here are laden with the most delicious, tempting fruit and I have had to literally slap myself to stop myself from plundering the roadside palms and scoffing their fruits. (Was not, and am still not, sure if one could be arrested/beheaded/deported for such wanton acts of greed and depravity!)

But, then one day, after driving past miles and miles and miles of the golden sun-ripened dates, I threw caution to the wind (ha, what wind?), pulled over, leapt out of the car and grabbed myself a couple of handfuls of the dates. (Who could resist??) I scuttled back into the car and surveyed my treasure - they were about the size of my thumb, golden on top and dark brown on the bottom. Eeww, first problem - the brown bottom bit was all squishy and soft - nice from far, but far from nice. Ok, so I ignored the bottom half and proceeded to munch on the tasty yellow bit at the top. EEWW blechh, second problem - it was hard and crunchy like an apple and tasted like .... well, not sure what....., but definitely NOT GOOD!! I spat out the half chomped bits and hurled the rest out of the car window.

I wondered where I had gone wrong - maybe they need to be processed, like olives, before being edible. I asked one of the local guys the next day. He slowly shook his head and said : "No madam, you not eat dates on side of road, they for camels only!" Yup, I had been munching the inedible dates which they feed to the animals! Of course, DH and DD have had a field day with teasing me about THIS experience!!



Little footnote :
In Islam it is forbidden to eat two dates (or cherries, or similar things) at the same time, and if you do, you must ask permission first!

BLOODY BLOGGERS BLOCK

Sorry fans (er, fan!) have had a severe, non-contagious (I hope) case of Bloggers Block - couldn't think of a single interesting thing to say ... You know, when you begin your blog, you have grandiose visions of millions of readers worldwide glued to the small screen, devouring your every enthralling word - so you ramble on and on and on. The next step is when you realise that nobody really cares what you did on a daily, hourly or nano-secondly basis - in fact, you even bore yourself into a coma.
So, had a small hiatus, gathered myself towards myself and now .... I'M BAAACK!!
Hee hee hee - be warned!!
See ya all soon ................

Replying to comments

OK guys, if you send me an anonymous comment and ask that I contact you, ummmm please make sure there is an address that I can reply to ... saves me having to sift through the heap of entries in my blog trying to find out which one you commented on! I aint got the time, energy or inclination to do that!!

If you are sending me any kind of advertising in my comments section, take note - I don't want my penis enlarged or my breasts reduced, I don't have acne or any other social disease, I AM NOT GOING TO CONTACT YOU ..... SO PISS OFF !!

Thank you, over and out, and good night!!

DD's value goes up

An article in a recent newspaper regarding a camel auction :

Male camel fetches Dh680,000 at auction THAT'S OVER A MILLION RAND!!

Abu Dhabi: A male camel was yesterday sold for Dh680,000 (US $185,286) in an auction during the Abu Dhabi International Hunting and Equestrian Exhibition 2005.

About a hundred people attended the auction yesterday. Thirty-five camels were sold to traders who saw it as "an opportunity of a lifetime" and a great "bargain".

--- Well, the next wizended up old goatherder who offers me a couple of camels for DD's hand in marriage will be accepted so quickly, his head will spin. Man, are we gonna be RRRRRIIICCCHHH!! DD where are you ....?? DD?? DD??

Disease Toys

Ok, I know this has nothing to do with the UAE, but I was so flabbergasted (!) when I saw this, I just had to share .....

Giant Microbes plush toys. Now available: The Common Cold, The Flu, Sore Throat, Stomach Ache, Cough, Ear Ache, Bad Breath, Kissing Disease, Athlete's Foot, Ulcer, Martian Life, Beer & Bread, Black Death, Ebola, Flesh Eating, Sleeping Sickness, Dust Mite, Bed Bug, H.I.V. and Hepatitis).
http://www.giantmicrobes.com/

You must have a look .... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hinglish strikes again

I drive a hired car and the mileage is almost 35 000 and is starting to make strange engine sounds. DH suggested that I contact the car hire agency and check when it needs to go for a service, which is usually done at 35 000km as you get fined by them if you do not bring it in for service on time - DH also suggested I speak to Mohammed, who is quite clued up. So today I called them :

Morning, xxx car hire
Morning, is that Mohammed?
Yeeees Madam
Mohammed, I have one of your cars and I think it needs a service
This car hire
Ok, but can you tell me if my car needs to go for service
Shurvice?
Service
Slurvish?
Service, maintenance, fix up
Yes Madam it's fixed up
No, car maybe need fix up
You have smash?
No not smash, need you to look at it
Looking at smash?
No, look at engine
Engine smashed?
No, car make noise, go agh agh agh
Madam, you ok? You need doctor?
Mohammed, can I speak to someone else
No Madam, I not Mohammed, I Ishmael, you want speak to Mohammed?

All Aboard for Al Ain

Ahh.... Al Ain - going there made me feel homesick for South Africa .....
You know - all those high walls with barbed wire and electric fences.

The question is : are they keeping people OUT or are they keeping people IN??

Culture Shock continues .....

Are you still reading??

So, who gets this disease ?
Not everyone will get it to the same degree, some suffer greatly and some suffer lightly. Some people bounce back and forth between the different stages and some people skip a stage altogether and/or repeat stages later. It is important to remember that different members of your family will be at different stages as well.

But just about anyone who lives for some time outside their own country will experience some of these stages.

What are the symptoms ?
Symptoms are very similar to those of depression :
* Sadness, loneliness, melancholy
* Preoccupation with health
* Insomnia, sleeping to much or too little
* Anger, irritability, resentment, unwillingness to mix with people
* Loss of identity
* Feeling of inadequacy or insecurity
* Trying too hard to absorb the new culture
* Unable to solve simple problems
* Lack of direction, motivation or confidence

When does it start and how long does it last?
The onset can vary from a few weeks to months after arriving in a new country.

Minimizing culture shock :
* Settle down as quickly as possible in your own home. Act as if you were going to live there forever
* Make your new home as homely as possible - photographs, mementos, reminders of home
* Be open to new ways
* Be patient
* Be constructive, try not to compare - criticize - complain
* Keep busy, but take time to relax
* Maintain contact with your home country - newspapers, email, etc. This will give you a feeling of belonging and reduce homesickness
* Increase contact with the new culture. Volunteer for community activities/charities
* Allow yourself to feel sad (grieve) for things that you have left behind - family, friends etc
* Try to join in, do not isolate yourself

So, now that we are all suicidal, I promise a lighterhearted entry tomorrow ....

Culture Shock........it REALLY exists!

OMG, I just read an article about culture shock and how they have scientifically proved that it exists. Well, they proved this in 1958 - but I have just found out about it!! (Late learner!!) ... So take your pep pills and your Red Bull and read what I found out ....

Before I impinge any copywright laws, let me tell you that it was Kalvero Oberg who identified five distinct stages of culture shock. He found that it was like a disease - it has a cause, symptoms and (yay) some cures.

I found the five stages very interesting, hope you will too ....

Stage 1 : The Tourist or Honeymoon Stage - Everything is exciting and new and cute and fun. You may have problems, but accept them as part of the new adventure. (Ah, I remember it well) ... I was intrigued by everything Arabic - religion, dress, food, language, history - I hauled tonnes of books home and could almost recite them. I trawled the internet and prepared for the magic carpet ride. When we got here, I saw amazing, interesting people who were even more mysterious because they couldn't speak English - how fascinating.

Stage 2 : Emptiness or Rejection Stage - By now, the fact that shops are closed just when you need to shop, that taxi drivers can't or won't understand you, that your food is considered sinful and only available behind curtains in certain shops is irritating, painful and certainly no longer cute. You no longer try to learn a few Arabic words, insisting instead that "they" should speak English like everyone else. When they don't, you are convinced they are talking ABOUT you, not TO you. You complain more and may even become aggressive. In this stage, expats seriously consider leaving, or resign themselves to staying.

Stage 3 : The Regression Stage - You find yourself going backwards and you spend more time speaking your home language, eating food from home and actively seek out fellow countrymen. You don't want to meet locals and don't care about their customs or heritage. Your home country suddenly seems wonderful and you may find yourself wondering why you ever left.

Stage 4 : The Integration Phase or Complete Adjustment - You have gained some understanding of the new culture or at least you learn to tolerate the cultural differences. You are now more adjusted. You may even find some things preferable to your home country. You have become more comfortable and relaxed about differences. You have learned to adjust, accept and adapt to your new country. You know that if you left, there are things you would miss.

Stage 5 : Reverse Culture Shock Stage or Re-entry Shock - Just when you feel at ease and well-adjusted, you return home and find that you are no longer as comfortable there as you remembered. Many things may have changed and it takes you a while to get used to home again. People have moved on with their lives and had experiences that you have not shared. You are no longer special and different, you are just another face in the crowd.

So, if like me, you feel like you are on a rollercoaster in the pitch dark, at least you know that many, many, many others have felt the same way - I am not going crazy (well, at least, not MORE crazy!!)

Tomorrow, I will go further into the symptoms and treatment of culture shock - (if you really want to know) ... this entry is far too long already .....

Some more interesting road signs ....

..... And also with you

Sometimes you get a bit irritated and frustrated with the customs and way of thinking here on the other side of the world, but sometimes they surprise you and make you long for a gentler time ......

Business Opportunities #2

Oooohhh wait, wait ... I found some more ....

4) Maid service :
You may have heard that I don't like housekeeping ... (to put it mildly) ... well, I admit it, I am one of those spoilt White South Africans that grew up with a nanny and a housemaid and a gardener etc etc. Cleaning a toilet bowl never did excite me. So, what to do now ......
Well, you are not allowed to hire anyone off the street, or recommended by a friend, or advertising on a Spinney's noticeboard - If you do, you have to register them with the Labour Dept giving reasons and details of their "qualifications" and stand as their sponsor (i.e. be liable for them) and provide airtickets home etc etc. Big palaver. You could try a "housecleaning service" - they will clean your house (for a price!) but their "maids" (who are actually men) may not specifially work for you on a permanent basis. HouseMAID services do not seem to exist here in AD, especially if you want to hire someone who lives in. Can't someone please just act as a kind of labour broker - put us employers in touch with them employees and them we can all be happy (and have clean houses!)

5) Get to know AD Tours :
How about getting someone to take newbies around AD to show them where to buy toilet paper and tomatoes and a hammer and videos, etc etc. Teach them how to get a taxi driver to take them where they want to go. Tell them the rules and rules and rules and rules about visas and blood tests and drivers licences.
Oh wait, that's MY new job ....... so take that one off your list - THAT opportunity has GOOONNNNEE!!!

Business Opportunies

In the past week I have vainly tried to obtain three services, which appear to be non-existent here in Abu Dhabi. So, if you have an entrepeneurial bent, here are some golden opportunities - I will be your first client.

1) Housing :
I have mentioned before that the housing situation in AD is appalling - disgusting hovels which are so in demand that annual rentals are the same as what people in the "normal" world would pay to purchase a decent size house. If you could build some decent sized (in other words - NOT 14 bedrooms, 20 bathrooms, 7 kitchens - who needs that!), decent priced, villa/house type abodes within easy reach of the city and the highway - you would be my hero.

1.1) Residential hotels :
If you can't manage the house thing, please look into building hotels where expats can stay in a home away from home type of accommodation. Hotels (notably, G*lf Hotel) prefer not to accept longterm bookings - opting rather for the short "get-them-in-and-out-asap" approach. Which leaves those who need time to find decent housing with no place to stay while doing so.

2) Limousines :
Ok, so we finally succumbed to the rich and famous lifestyle - looking to hire a limo in AD for an hour or two of site-seeing and having people gawk at us, wondering which famous people are inside. No such luck. In Dubai a limo will cost about Dh250 per hour for 8 people, and it costs the same in AD ... except ... the limo must come from Dubai - at a cost of Dh700. Making the total cost almost Dh1000 per hour!! Come to think of it, I haven't seen many (any!) limos here in AD - now I know why - not even a Sheikh could afford those prices. Man, there must some SAfrican oke who can weld a couple of 4x4's together and make a 16x16 for us to hire ... Com'on Boer ..... maak 'n plan ......

3) Dhow cruise :
Well, if we couldn't drive around AD, we decided we would float around it instead. Found one (the ONLY ONE) company advertised as providing dhow cruises and after searching and searching and searching for it, finally found the (nameless) restaurant outside which the dhow was "parked". Excitedly dashing up to said dhow - we found a motheaten, rickety, ramshackle excuse posing as a seaworthy vessel. The only access over the stagnant green water was along a 6 foot long splintery piece of wood which abutted onto the bottom step of a rotten wooden staircase which was missing at least two steps and part of the balustrade. Once on board, one was greeted with weatherbeaten wooden floorboards which definitely would not taken DM's weight (not that much WOULD, but that is another story!) and grimy plastic chairs which skittered from side to side as the "boat" drifted on the water.
Needless to say, we scampered off - leaving the crew still lying sleeping on the deck.

The alternative dhow cruise - more "upmarket" includes a dinner and waitress service, but for just cruising around looking at the lights, on what should be a tourist attraction - nothing!!

And talking of yummy .........

Found on the site below
http://www.muttawa.blogspot.com/

THE CORRECT WAY TO EAT AN ICE CREAM ...

A woman and her female friend were sitting on a bench in the Kingdom Mall, eating ice cream cones, when along came a muttawa, accompanied by a police officer. (You can always spot a muttawa by his beard, his thobe—the white gown worn by local men—that is always four or five inches too short, and a mien of profound hatred of all things different.) The muttawa approached the women, pointed a menacing claw, and hissed, "Don't lick it that way!"
Not being an authority on the subject, I can't with any confidence say there isn't a sura buried somewhere in the Qur'an covering the moral etiquette of licking ice cream. I suspect, though, the muttawa had wandered a bit beyond his moral jurisdiction.
"We just looked at each other," the woman told me. "I mean, how else are you supposed to eat an ice cream cone? You have to use your tongue, right? We just sat there and watched our ice cream melt until he wandered off.

And just as I was about to launch into a tirade ..... I spotted these on the supermarket shelf - right next to the toothbrushes!! And I thought to myself ... "Well, maybe there IS a RIGHT way to lick an ice cream after all ........"

Have a Break .......

I have mentioned before that many of the food products we were used to, can be found here, as well as different flavours of the ones we know. Case in point .... my favourite chocolate snack - Kit Kat. We are used to plain chocolate with biscuit, but look what we discovered here ....

These are Kit Kats with a liquid oozing out of it with every bite .... in delicious flavours of berry, mango/granadilla and orange. And, as if that was not enough .... my ALL TIME VERY VERY FAV FLAV .......................
C A R A M E L .... don't you just LOVE it ....

I just wish they came in THIS size ....

.... or maybe not ....

(I am already responsible for the economic profits of Kit Kat - about to become a shareholder!! I should get them to sponsor me .....!!!!!)

Makes you think ......

Extract from the site below, regarding censorship of advertising in Arabic countries.

http://creativebits.org/Visual_communication_crash_course

Words
Enjoy or exciting are words that can be interpreted as sexual descriptors therefore to be avoided. Words like create and greatest should be used with caution, since they are associated with God.

Arabic calligraphy is a very creative art, where words can be written down by an endless number of forms. One has to be careful how an innocent logo would be interpreted. At one point Coca-Cola was going to be banned in Saudi because if you read the script in the mirror it can be read as No Allah, No God, but eventually that decision was overruled.

Ooops - I forgot ....

Talking about driving - I forgot to mention the "hidden" speed cameras (everyone knows exactly where they are) and the speedbumps (also known as sleeping policemen and vaarthobbels - no, not fart hobbles!!)

These two well-intentioned traffic-calming concepts have taken on a new meaning on Abu Dhabi roads - commonly known as (1) test if you still have any brake pads left (2) test the reactions of the driver behind you and (3) see who can leave the longest skid marks and (4) see how fast your car can re-accelerate from 1 to 150kpm!!

So, if you want to see the underside of several cars at once, just be at the back of the queue when they get to the bumps or snaps!! Watch cars do wheelies on their two front wheels!!

And they said Abu Dhabi was boring ....!!!

Miss Daisy strikes again ....!!

Most of the roads in the UAE are in excellent condition - very few have bumps or potholes (unless they are digging them up for some or other construction project - which they do, often!!) And most of the main roads/highways are at least 3 or 4 or 5 lanes wide. And most of the roads are straighter than a dye (what the hell IS that??) And most of the roads are used by new(ish), well maintained, decent-engine-sized cars............................................

So WHY (!!!????##!!!) are the speedlimits so flipping ridiculous? If you were to polish up your halo and obey the law to the letter, you would be piddling along at the speed roughly equivalent to the speed of smell.

Four reasons : (1) To avoid having to pay the Arab-salary-sized, no-excuses-allowed fine (2) To avoid getting a "black mark" on my licence - as you are only allowed a certain finite number before you become licenceless, (3) To avoid DH smirking ".... guess who went a LITTLE BIT too fast and got a ticket .......?" and (4) To see how (s)low I could go .... caused me to decide that today I be good and obey all speed limit signs. And like the butterfly fluttering in South America, causing an earthquake on the other side of the world, my butt-numbing crawling caused mass disaster and consternation on roads throughout Abu Dhabi!

A speed limit of 120 or (more often) 100kpm on highways and main roads seems reasonable enough. However, travelling this (legal) speed in any of the three inside lanes may lead to you having a tyre imprint over your roof of one or more of the black, tinted-sightless-windowed, Sheikmobiles driven by Michael Schumachers trained on the Star Wars set - all they need for effect is a laserbeam to disintegrate slower cars that are travelling at less than warp-speed. They certainly are protected by a "Force" field - they will force you right off the road if you don't move quickly enough.

So in an 80kpm section, steering (what a pun!!) clear of the fastest lanes, we opt for the middle lane - safe at last to dawdle and amble along, admiring the scenery around us. No such luck - 80 is for sissies, and no one can accuse UAE drivers of being sissies!! Cars rocket up to your bumper, screech down from their 100-and-something speed, flash lights, hoot, swerve left, scrape past you and then swerve right - right in front of you - all in one sweeping choreographed motion, designed to scare you into moving faster next time. A magnificent move - both daring and threatening at the same time!

I reach a 40kpm zone (yes, that is not a misprint .... 40kpm!!!) - and my only option is to cleave to the extreme lane - extreme right, extreme slow, extreme boring, extreme time-consuming. Slight side track here .... the hand sign for insh'allah (meaning as God wishes) is to put all five fingertips together, pointing upwards .... so, my question is ... what does it mean when a truckdriver puts all five fingertips together and points them DOWNwards??? Whilst at the same time mouthing what can only be obscenities?? 'Cause that's what they did - I was driving so slowly, I could multitask, so there I was monitoring the rate the grass grows, watching butterflies skud past the car, picking my nose, reading my book, when one of them thar truckies screeched up to my rearend, flashed at me (his headlights!!), hooted and showed me the finger(s). I was stunned - I was doing the speed limit - in the slow lane - what more could anyone want??

I found out when I pulled over to let the Cowboy trucker pass - he was being tailed by a caravan of trucks, trailers and buses - all travelling at MY speed. Law says trucks may not overtake, so they were forced to dawdle along behind me - every one in first gear, spewing out clouds of smoke as they overheated and struggled to maintain such a ridiculous speed.

I suppose it could be worse ....

But I would prefer any of these ....

You are what you eat - (Re-post)

This is a loooong post, so don't lose heart ...

Another endless source of entertainment falls under the heading "Things we have eaten". Firstly, the eggs : You have never seen such bright ORANGE egg yolks as these. We always learnt that pale eggs were somehow less nuturitious than the brighter yellow ones. Well, by that token, these egg are the healthiest eggs on earth - they are almost day-glow orange! I made scrambled eggs for breakfast and DD wanted to know why we were having lumpy custard on toast! And the pancakes looked like radio-active UFO's!!

At first, we could not find any fresh cream, the only cream we could find was so thick, you could virtually use it for butter. And it comes in all kinds of different flavours - strawberry, banana and honey - no good for making cuppuccino's! We did eventually manage to find thinner, beatable cream in one or two shops.

There are deli counters in all the big shops and you can buy all kinds of cold meats and cheeses, from all over the world. Mostly we just stand and stare at the countries' names : Lebanon, Egypt, China, Greece, Italy, Libya, Sudan, India, etc etc. Prices are quite a bit higher than SA. Especially fruit and veg, obviously because it comes from the other side of the world, lots of foodstuff comes from Australia. There are hundreds of varieties of cheeses - some look like balls of string (and taste like it, too!), there are cheeses that are bland, salty, very very salty, bitter, herb covered, ash covered, chilli covered, you name it - they sell it. We have seen more varieties of olives than we dreamt existed (some the size of golf balls!) and dates and raisins from tiny to humungous. There are nuts of every shape, size, taste and colour (including pea-green and blood red.) Herbs and spices are sold from baskets and consist of leaves, seeds, stems, roots, paste, granules and globs that any South African witchdoctor would be in heaven to see. Pickles are a favourite and it seems that any fruit or vegetable is a candidate for pickling, including lemons, aubergines, turnips, cabbage and even eggs. Many fruits and veg are also dried and then sold - somehow, the wizened up, crinkled, rock hard, blackened lemons and oranges look so sad!!

The meat is very pricey, but it is virtually fatfree, so you can eat the entire cut. Meat also comes from all over the world, we found the most edible kind comes from Australia and New Zealand. We did try the Syrian and Lebanese "lamb", but when cooked it had a distinctly UN-lamblike flavour - and smelt like a camel's armpit, so we now boycott those countries' meat products. Alas - no pork or ham in the everyday shops, but you do get many types of "bacon" - turkey bacon, beef bacon and veal bacon - it is edible, but nothing tastes (or smells) like bacon bacon. We saw some macon on a menu the other day - WTF is MACON?? There are some really strange bits of animal for sale. I saw lamb balls, and I figured it must be a kind of meatball made from minced lamb ....no .... it is actually lamb balls! DH just cringed and turned pale when he saw them!! There are feet and tongues of every type of animal, and brains, cheeks, ears, even noses! We stick to chicken breasts, lamb chops and steak - bits we can recognise. Fish is quite cheap sometimes, it depends on what they catch that day. Prawns were very cheap the other day. They also sell crabs, mussels, clams, shark, cuttlefish and eels.

We have discovered an expat store which is more American and British than Arabic, and stocks some South African delicacies as well. We were delighted to find Milo, gherkins (at R34 for a small bottle!!) Deep Heat, Marmite (we had found chicken flavoured Marmite in the Arab mall - horrible and disgusting!!) and even the YOU, HUISGENOOT and SARIE magazines!! In a secluded area at the very back part of the store, with notices banning Moslems and warning customers that this section contained pork products, we found real bacon and, surprise, surprise, biltong (called bultung!!) and boerewors (actually called boerewors!!) I think the "bultung" was actually the dried up skin of a rhinoceros - tough as takkies and covered in chillies!!

There are some pretty strange looking fruits and vegetables : hairy lychies, bright white watermelons, knobbly cucumbers, metre long green beans, red pumpkin and other strange things that we are not sure whether they are actually fruits or vegetables. The only reason we know that they are for eating, is because they are in the vegetable section! We (read I) want to try them, but are afraid that we might end up munching the equivalent of a raw potato or onion, or cooking an exotic lettuce leaf instead of eating it raw. And just in case you think I am joking - there are many, many types of bananas - including the one which the fruit for eating raw and there is one that is a vegetable for cooking and using like a potato - so there! (PS - we even saw teeny tiny bananas, the size of a thumb!) They also sell banana flowers, stems and leaves!!

Then there are the mixed breeds, like the cross between an apple and a pear (DH likes these) - crunchy like an apple, but tastes like a pear, and is pale/white.

Compared to the puny sized fruit and veg in SA, the fruit appears to be genetically modified or fed on steroids - it all seems to have been supersized and/or handpainted. The grapes are the size of plums, the plums are the size of apples and the apples are .... anything from dark crimson red/black to translucent light pink and white. The oranges are the size of grapefruits, the grapefruits are the size of melons and the melons are .... well, just plain : huge! Many of the watermelons are perfectly round!!

They serve a lot of really fresh fruit juices and the other night we went to a fresh fruit juice bar and I had a green coconut with the top cut off. It was fun, but tasted like nothing. Just watery and slimy. DH had fresh mango and pineapple and DD had fresh strawberry and mango - both so thick they couldn't suck it up with a straw! They were lekker (yummy). Another restaurant offers a bowl of pomegranate seeds - which are munched as a fruit or sprinkled over meat like chutney!

Whilst out shopping, we treated ourselves to a cold fruit drink. DD chose a "Rainbow Blend of Pureed Fruits", which really looked spectacular - layers of pink strawberry puree, orange papaya, yellow banana, and green ...., well we weren't sure what the green layer was, but she bravely tried it. She couldn't figure out what it was, saying that it tasted familiar yet strange and the look on her face got more and more peculiar as she drank. I decided to try it and see if I could guess what it was ... it was pureed avocado pear!! In a fruit milkshake!! Well, needless to say, DD would not drink any more and went into a tirade about "people who drink eeew things!" (Actually, I don't think it was THAT bad ...!!)

And talking of strange flavours, at one restaurant we were served an appetiser of yoghurt in shot glasses with dates on the side. Neither DD nor DH would try it, but I did (will I never learn?) I had watched the people at the table next to us - they dunked their dates into the yoghurt and then swallowed the rest of yoghurt in one gulp. So, DM followed their example. Imagine my horror when the huge mouthFUL of yoghurt turned out to be SALTY, STINGY and WARM!! It was not the type of restaurant where you could spit on the ground (like the ones we normally go to ... ha, ha), so I had to close my eyes and try to force it down. The family couldn't understand my frantic hand movements signalling that I wanted ALL the rest of the dates immediately, nor could they understand the tears running down my cheeks and the slow shaking of my head. Or perhaps, they just didn't see - after all they were doubled over laughing!! It turned out to be yoghurt made from camel milk, and they serve it as a savoury, fermented to the "stringy" stage and at camel blood temperature! Yummy!!!

There are shelves and shelves of variations of honey - made from any flower or tree you can think of. They each have a unique flavour,and if that was not enough, they have honey with flavourings added. There is runny hunny (!), creamy honey, honey comb - you name it - they've got it. Even honey for waxing ladies' legs!!

Eating like a King

Just gotta tell you what happened tonite at one of the local restaurants ..... We were so hungry that the local camels were in great danger of being munched, so .....

For starters DH ordered a lentil soup, DD wanted haloumi cheese, and DM (as is my way ...) ordered two different starters - fresh asparagus spears (out of a tin) and shamoush cheese (?) - gotta try something new every time!! All of these, excluding the soup, are served on a queen size bed of lettuce, tomato, cucumber, green peppers etc. The soup is accompanied with a whole loaf of croutons and some sliced lemon (in lentil soup??)

Well, before the actual starters made it to the table, the "pre-starters" got there ... one dozen (12!) arabic breads, a shovelful each of green olives, black olives and gherkin-type things (salty - not sour) and one of those huge, marvellous do-it-yourself salads, consisting of a bunch (literally, still tied with string) of mint, a lettuce, three carrots, two tomatoes, two cucumbers, two lemons (! huh??) - all whole - and a partridge in a pear tree!!!! .... Ok, no partridge ....

And don't forget the two litres of water which is poured into goldfish bowl size glasses.

So, with the table groaning under the combined weight of what some entire countries eat in a month - our main courses arrived - two prawns and spaghetti and one grilled prawns. The main courses came on tray sized platters and included a mountain of rice, chips, peas, carrots, more salad and more lemon!! Arab hospitality at its best!

Unfortunately, the spaghetti and prawns were not very edible - a bit like ketties with rubber bullets (sorry, only SAfricans will understand that!) Now, DM would have just stayed quiet - in my usual shy and retiring manner(!), but DH had to complain to the manager, who was mortified that a customer had a problem. He assured us he would "sort the chef out" and off he flounced. Visions of him swatting the chef with a spoon!!

By that time, we had made some serious inroads into the Mount Everest of food and were feeling a bit like Tweedledum, Tweedledee and Tweedle-omg-my-trousers-dont-fit-anymore, when suddenly .........

tummm ta ta tummmm (no pun intended!)

Two waiters arrived and started whipping everything off the table, even the tablecloth. They reset the table, ignoring our feeble protests and hurried off as the manager announced he had "big surprise for us ...."

Imaginations ran wild - in some countries it is an honour to be served sheep's eyeballs .... we had seen sheep's balls in the supermarket, though not their EYEballs!! DD was beginning to look a bit green around the gills .... Were they going to serve us our order all over - how were we going to politely refuse to eat another bite? OMG !!!

The manager arrived with a cloth covering a dome shaped object resting on a huge platter .... sheep's eyeballs still in the head?? With a flourish he lifted the cloth and revealed .....

......

a whole watermelon, beautifully sliced and arranged with a vineyard of grapes.

None of us had space, but we somehow managed to force some of the fruit down and it was superb.

We thanked the manager and his staff profusely, paid the bill and left, feeling slightly embarassed at their generosity. However, once we drove off, we discovered that they had had the last laugh ... we were charged Dh25 (R50) for "fruits".

Hee hee hee, serve DH right for complaining!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Catching a tan in the UAE

You know you've been in the sun too long ......

not to mention a serious case of Cooper's Droop as well ...!!

Shopping in the small shops

Wandering around the maze of streets is an a-mazing experience! Here are some of the things I have noticed :

The local restaurant has invented their own

bellows to keep the coals for the braai (barbeque) burning!

(And to keep the flies flying away from the meat!!)


No, not that kind of saloon(!) Remember where we are ...

It is a hair salon


Dying to know what drugs he sells -

it was close to midnight and person you see here was

working by candlelight


My local haberdashery - the size of my walk-in closet!


But, they stock anything and everything you could want!!

Pitiful Palm Tree

I read somewhere that the emirate of Abu Dhabi has manually planted over 200 million palm trees! Hardly seems believable that someone nurtured so many little palmlette trees, then dug so many holes, planted the full grown trees, and all in this incredible roasting climate.

Furthermore, each and every tree is irrigated - you see miles of hosepipes draped along road, with spouts at each tree. Unbeee f..ing lievable!! All hail to those who had the vision and energy to "green" the desert so wonderfully.

And at this time of the year, each palm tree is laden with such tempting looking fruits - by the bushel - all shades, from pale yellow, through orange, red, brown and dark black. They are a work of art in themselves.

That said, why oh why did one popular hotel in Abu Dhabi feel it necessary to plant this plastic monstrosity outside their entrance ....

Hopeless Haggler

A fellow UAE blogger ( http://bssandbrninalain.blogspot.com/ ) recently wrote that he thinks he is the worlds worst "negotiator" - and that reminded me of an episode which I think ensures that I retain the title of "Worlds Worst Haggler/Bargainer/Negotiator" ....

We went to a school fete and one of the stalls was manned by an old man who looked like he could use a good meal. Next to him sat his equally old, shabbily-dressed wife. They were obviously not locals or European; I thought maybe they were from one of the poorer countries whose expats come here to earn enough money to eke out a basic living .... Sorry, getting carried away with the scene-setting ... but now you get the picture.

The old lady was slowly and painfully crocheting something, while her husband tried to sell the exquisitely crocheted tablecloths and bedspreads that she had already finished. I am a crafter and am always a sucker for a handmade tablecloth. I decided on one which was about 7 foot long - very intricately and beautifully done. And this is how the "haggling" went ......

Me : How much is this
He : 30 Dirhams
Me : 30 Dirhams, that is ridiculous, look at all the hard work that has gone into this, I would never pay 30 Dirhams
He : (Misunderstanding) - Madam pay 25 Dirhams
Me : No, at least 50 no less!
He : No, 30
Me : 50, no less
He : 35, no more
(By this time, I think it was more a battle of wills, and we had both totally lost the plot!)

Then I realised, maybe it was his pride - he did not want my "charity".
Me : Ok I pay 35 Dirhams and buy you lunch
He : Ok

So, he got his 35 Dirhams and two hamburgers and cokes, and I trotted off with an amazing new tablecloth.

But, you see, that is how I haggle - in reverse!!

There was an old Lady who Lived in a Shoe ...

... and her housing was infinitely better than that in Abu!

My word, I have been looking at housing in Abu Dhabi - for a number of new employees we are expecting, and to say that I am disgusted and depressed is putting it mildly. I am left wondering just what lived in these places before - not who, but what!

The first one had a lovely blue green pattern on the ceiling, but on closer inspection, this turned out to be mold, which, like the Andromeda strain had taken over the entire lounge area.

Toilets and kitchen cupboards are all, with rare exceptions, broken or ripped up, or have whopping great stickers stuck all over them. Ceramic floor tiles are chipped, cracked or have crater-sized holes - what were the previous tenants doing??? Ceilings hang and sag and are cracked and often just plain missing. Light fittings have been ripped out - just bare wires hanging down the walls with chunks of paint and wall missing. The mirrors are also mold-covered (this time, the black kind) and most are chipped or cracked.

Paint is peeling in banana-leaf sized chunks and in many cases walls are chipped down to the concrete - really, what were the previous tenants doing??

One flat with a wooden staircase had at least two stairs missing - the spaces covered up with carpet, so if you didn't know not to tread there, you would have had a sinking experience!

Geysers and airconditioners have leaked orange gunk down walls and into puddles on the floor. Any type of mesh on outside doors is usually torn and always rusted.

A flat in a very exclusive and expensive building on the corniche had the remains of a meal scattered all over the floor - all moldy and stinking to high heaven.

I have had various wildlife scuttle around and over me, from cockroaches to birds to rats and cats!

Gardens - if they exist - are either concreted over or have been left to revert back to desert type scrub, with papers and garbage strewn around most of them.

And these were the upmarket, more expensive villas and flats that are in respectable areas - one shudders to think what might be lurking behind the doors of the inner-city flats which look rundown from the outside.

The rentals for these atrocities is skyhigh and, outside of this country, would never be paid for such disgusting hovels.

I know there are some good places, I stay in one, but they are very few and very far between. No wonder newcomers would rather live in Dubai - at least they have relatively new, relatively inhabitable houses and flats - at a relatively reasonable rental!

Shop 'til you Drop

These are some of the interesting (read : odd!) things we have seen in the shops since we have been here. (Bear in mind that a lot of them are imported and are not from the UAE) - we found the products and names "interesting" to say the least :

* Dried egg whites
* Coffee flavoured sugar
* Roasted branch and twig tea (from China)
* Blocks of dried seaweed - red, yellow, green and orange (also from China - "interesting", those Chinese!! )
* Butter flavoured oil
* Ghee (melted, separated butter) - very popular for cooking - in bottles and tins
* Oil for cooking, called "Parachute Oil"
* Spaghetti length macaroni (remember those from the olden days??)
* Square noodle tubes
* "Siblings" Pineapple Jam
* Yam Jam
* Jerk Sauce
* Snake Oil for hair grooming
* Garlic and onion flavoured dried bananas
* Tinned cheese
* Marshmallow flavoured tea
* Foul Madams - a kind of bean - very popular
* Blood oranges - with bright red juice - yes, looks like blood!
* Liquid licorice to make a hot drink
* Coconut jam and date jam (yummy!!)
* Flavoured Coffeemate - including cinnamon, vanilla, caramel - real yummy!
* Pomegranate molasses
* Brown cream soda (saw white cream soda in the UK!) Tastes like green
* Sit Still hairspray
And ...
* Virginity soap - restores your virginity while you shower!!

Will keep you updated on any new "interesting" products we find ......

Dust to Dust

Those of you who know me will agree that I am, ..... how do I put this delicately?...... not a natural housewife (be kind with your comments!!) I am not one of those fanatics who clean behind pictures on a daily basis, in fact, I don't think I have ever cleaned behind my pictures! When cleaning, I don't move large appliances (or anything larger than a shoebox, actually) - too much like hard work - nobody sees behind there anyway. And, as for dusting, you know the saying "dust to dust..." .... well, my philosophy is : you never know who that dust might have been once .... and I firmly believe you should let deceased Great Uncle Algernon rest in peace .... especially if he is on top of your tv!

I have christened the vacuum cleaner "Sid", named after the punk rocker Sid Vicious, because of its vicious tendency to violently latch onto anything in its path and try to devour it. So far, he (Sid - the vacuum cleaner) has devoured table mats, bathroom mats, sponges, small perfume bottles, socks, pens and pencils, small notebooks and a salt cellar. He has tried, but failed to slurp up the bedspread, bedside lamp, my trousers (with me still in them!), two bars of soap and his own motor. I seem to spend my life swearing at him, swatting at him, trying to break his suctioning grip and digging in his intestines to retrieve valuables. Is it any wonder I hate him?? (Still talking about the vacuum here, not DH)!!

Actually, I am waiting for this to become commercially available, more my scene .......

However, and this is the whole point of this blog, when you see mushrooms growing on the sill of your door, you KNOW you have got to do something ....

Definitely gonna get me a maid tomorrow ....!!!

*** Just to set the record straight ... The bit about the mushrooms and the door was a bit of literary licence - the door is not actually MINE - it is the apartment building's stairway door!! It is so humid, steamy and hot on the stairwell that these fungi have sprouted!!

The All-New Arabian Diet ...

Some items on menu's which will help you stick to your diet :

For starters ... some "FOUL" with oil??


Main course ... a helping of "RAW MEAT"


Washed down with a delicious ... AVOCADO MILKSHAKE


AAAHHHH, but all is not lost ....

You could enjoy one of these :

(in case you can't see it very well, it reads :

Three scoops of Shameless, Vanilla nestled with a banana republic and

sheekily coated with chocolate sauce scandelous!)

I think that is just so imaginative and creative - it made me wanna order one!!




And my all time favourite saying :

You can leave your shoes on ...

I have a foot fetish, or rather ... a toe fetish. I don't like them. I think they are ugly. They wriggle and squirm and remind me of oversize maggots. Ooooh and some have bright red nail-polished heads!! Eeeww. I love the person who invented shoes - hide those ugly appendages - yuck!

Well, like many things here, I have had to swallow my bile and just bloody get used to it. And the same goes for feet. Firstly, everyone (ok, not EVERYone, but it feels like it sometimes) wears open sandals, so it is impossible to miss seeing those big, fat, hairy, knobbly toes wherever you go. Then, it seems that it is considered polite when entering someone's house, or tent, to remove one's shoes (read : sandals) at the door and stomp around barefoot.

Toe jam!
Athlete's foot!
Smelly, sweaty feet!

Arg, I would consider it more polite if you keep your shoes on, please!

Then, to make matters worse, people (read : men) seem to think that it is acceptable to take their shoes off everywhere ... they take them off in my car, they take them off when they are sitting on a bench, they take them off in offices, they take them off in restaurants. Restaurants! Then, to make matters worserer, they rub and pick and fiddle with their toes while sitting on said benches or in said offices or restaurants. Noooo, it is all too much.

Please, please, leave your shoes on ....

Ah... Life in the Big City ....

There was a really good story in the paper the other day. Someone’s bull (yes, as in ox), escaped from his backyard and headed off down the street. People (on foot and in cars) began to chase the poor thing which got more and more scared and ran faster and faster. The police were called and they also set off in hot pursuit until finally there were about 500 people galloping after the unfortunate animal. That is not funny at all, I agree, but the funny part is … rumours began to spread that the police were actually after illegal immigrants in the surrounding flats. The illegal immigrants then herded out and streamed into the streets, ahead of the bull, which was ahead of the police and the rest of the public. Finally, there were close to 2000 people screaming and fleeing down the small side streets, with the police sirens blaring and the other cars hooting like crazy. The chaos continued long after the bull was caught and returned to its owner! Ah, life in the big city!

"Are you just glad to see me, or is that a SNAKE?":

Sherana Alansudhir bravely put herself in danger early yesterday morning to save a woman caught in the deadly grip of a large snake. The mother of three got hold of the snake’s tail – believed to be a young python – and unwrapped the four feet long reptile from the leg of a hysterical cinemagoer during the 11pm performance of ‘Mr and Mrs Smith’ at a cinema in Dubai.
“It was about an hour into the movie and we were engrossed when the women in the row in front started screaming. But the scene was of an explosion and people in the film were running and screaming, so no one took notice,” Ms Sherana said yesterday. “Two minutes later and she was still screaming. A continuous high pitched scream.”
Ms Sherana said she was worried that the woman may have been having a heart attack as she was lying on the floor shrieking. Ms Sherana leaped over the seat in front of her to help the woman once it became clear that there was a snake. “When someone with a mobile phone with a flashlight pointed at it, we saw it was a snake. I told her to shut-up and stop screaming.
I got hold of the snake’s tail and began to unwrap the snake and carried it to the foyer,” she explained. “By then the lights had come on in the theatre and the film had stopped. Most of the audience left quickly on hearing it was a snake.

Aaaaahhhhhh ...... life in the big city ..........

Lotsa gas but no stations

Why, if we are in a country that exists mainly because of the amount of oil/gas it produces, are there so few petrol stations? I can count on one hand the number in Abu Dhabi city, and if you travel the road from AD to Dubai or AD to Al Ain, you can go for many many many miles before passing one.

I have some problems with this :

1) What if you desperately need petrol - the harsh environment is not friendly to carbon based lifeforms walking along tar roads because their cars have run dry

2) What if you desperately, desperately need to fill up - not with petrol, but with food and liquids - we all know how important it is to drink lots of liquids .... and eat lots of fast food .... and buy lots of the junk (oops, sorry, I mean interesting trinkets) they sell at these petrol station shops.

3) What if you desperately, desperately, desperately need to make a p-stop - which is my main reason for stopping at petrol stations. There is no chance of stopping at the nearest bush (there are none) or tree - palm tree trunks are not wide enough to shield motorists from my wobbly, pale butt. Besides, I would be committing any number of sins and breaking any number of laws by watering the shrubbery - so if I didn't go to jail, I would certainly go to hell!

There are some other intriguing aspects about the petrol stations here ...

Even the smallest, most out-of-the-way petrol station will usually have a beautifully built, ornate mosque on the premises. Some are quite small, even pre-fab buildings on stilts, but all the ones I have seen have been quite striking. (Some petrol stations do not actually even have toilets, but DO have a mosque - guess you have got to get your priorities right!)

The local garage on the corner and its beautiful mosque

When you pull up to a pump, you MUST ensure your petrol cap is on the side nearest the pump. This is LAW and you (and the petrol station owner) will be fined if you pull the hose around or over your car.

Because there are so few petrol stations, the queues can sometimes be quite frightening - the first time we saw the queues, we thought of Zimbabwe - where people queued for days to get their ration of petrol ... then sanity prevailed - they are not going to run out of petrol here for quite some time ...........

And now - to be a complete B*tch .... let me tell you what petrol COSTS here :

Firstly, like in SA there are two types : Super and Special - Most normal cars use Special - Super is reserved for those high performance cars like Lamborghinis, Ferrarris etc - out of our league for the moment .....

So, the prices for Special Petrol are : (approximately and as recent as possible!!)

Dh 1-04 per litre (R2-10) The price in SA is R5-25 per litre

Dh 4-75 per gallon (R9-50) The price in SA is R23-00 per gallon

Doesn't it just make you wanna weep??

Driving Like a Crazy ...

So, I picked up my hire car - very nice. Only one small, intzy, wintzy, teeny, tiny problem - I have never driven in the UAE before. I am used to driving on the left side of the road (not the right side, which is the wrong side!) So, I am used to steering with my right hand and changing gears with my left. Which explains why, the first couple of times I had to change gears, I tried to do so by wiggling the window-winder. Also, the flicker is normally on the right side, so every time I changed lanes, I flashed my headlights and squirted my windscreen washer. No wonder people behind me were hooting!

Of course, if you are nervous, you tend to drive slower than normal - and bearing in mind that the normal speedlimit is only 60kph - I was travelling at the speed of smell. One-legged camels and a herd of sloths would have left me in their dust!

But, I finally got out of the parking lot and onto the actual highway. Travelling in the exact opposite direction to where we wanted to go. You see, in my silly foolishness I took the road marked EXIT. I really do not know what I could have been thinking - imagine supposing EXIT actually means EXIT!! Foolish, foolish woman!

We ended up on a highway headed for some place called Er El Salam or something like that (actually, DD thinks it was Dar-es-Salam, and I swear it was Daar Doer is Salam!) There were no exits or breaks in the middle island for 30km and we seemed to be leaving civilisation far behind - all signs of human existence slid rapidly past. So, when we finally did come across an exit, we pounced on it and sped off - unfortunately, we could not turn back, but had to follow THAT road for a further 10km before being able to do a u-turn and get back to the original highway.

By this time (almost an hour later!), we were worried about three things : (1) that we would soon be needing our passports to leave the country (2) that we would dehydrate and perish without seeing another living being and (3) that DH would not miss us for at least 3 days before sending out a search party!!

Well, obviously the story has a semi-happy ending (I am writing this, aren't I?) We triumphantly rode into town in our silver chariot, keeping the advice of a seasoned expat in our minds : "Stay in the middle lane and avoid eye contact with other drivers".

The car is safely parked outside the apartment -

Question : Will it's battery go flat if I don't drive it for the next couple of weeks???????

Driving Miss Crazy

I have been offered a job - a nice job ... with a company car. Only one problem .... I have never driven here. And the bloodcurdling stories you hear about AD traffic hardly inspires you to get wheels and drive.

Well, I really had no choice. First step was to convert my SAfrican drivers licence to an AD licence. Easier said than done. We thought we knew where to go - but it turns out the licence department has moved to another building. After driving around for 1/2 hour in the boiling sun looking for parking, then walking for 1/2 hour from the parking lot to the wrong building, and up the wrong stairs, and around the wrong floor, then back down the wrong stairs and out of the wrong building, we were drenched and bedraggled.

Found the "right" building - a steaming, stinking, pre-fab - stood in a "queue" to get a number (which was #482) and then stood around waiting for our number to come up. An hour later, having not moved one inch and having watched numberless newcomers stride up to the counter and be served, patience broke down and we pushed #480 and #481 out of the way and stalked to the front.

"Eh?"

"We want to transfer a SA licence to a UAE licence"

"Eh?"

"We want change licence to Abu Dhabi licence"

"Eh? Next"

"No, bliksem, OUR turn ... new licence NOW"

"Eh? Eye test in other building"

.... "Patience!!!"

Walked for 15 minutes to another steaming, stinking, pre-fab : not labelled, but subsequently found to be the "eye-test station", which consisted of two sonambulating men, one of whom had a pointer and an empty chair.

"Sit on chair, which way is E pointing?" x 2

"Eyes fine, give photo I stamp"

"I have no photo, they said you will take photo"

"No, photo other building"

........%$#@ "Patience!!!"

Walked for 1/2 hour to steaming, stinking, non pre-fab building - paid big bucks, got 4 photos

Walked for 1/2 hour back to steaming, stinking eye test station. They stamped photos.

Walked for 15 minutes to steaming, stinking, original pre-fab. Queued to get another number (this time it is #520). Man at queue counter asked : "It hot outside?"

(Could he have got a clue from the sweat plastered hairstyle and the drop of perspiration dripping off the end of my nose?)

DH had to sign "No Problem" Form (to show he had no objection to me getting my licence - well, he knew better than to have any objections!!)

Told to go into Ladies Section - DH banned

Waited and waited and waited and waited and then could not wait any more.

Swore at #585, who had tried to push her way to the front and who got such a fright that tears welled up in her eyes. Too bad ... had enough. IT WAS #520's TURN!!!)

Waited and waited and waited and waited while the counter lady punched and punched and punched into her computer - wondered : was she writing her autobiography, or playing minesweeper?

"Need 6 photos!"

"No, I was told 4 photos ..."

"Need 6 photos!"
"F-this, I don't need this licence THAT much!"

"I take photos here ..."

"You do? I love you ..."

More photos taken, Dh200 (R400) paid.

Waited and waited and waited and waited, name called : You Ass (close enough - those who know my surname - smile!)

I'm legal and licenced to thrill .... well, at least to drive, which in AD is definitely a THRILL!!

Tune in tomorrow for the next thrilling episode of "Lulu learns to drive ...."

SUPERsize me!!

Man, there are some things here that are just gy-normous ... Have a look at these photos :

This is Lebanese pita bread - big enough to almost be a bedspread!

Two potatoes = almost 2kgs!

An onion ... almost the same size as DD's head!!

I know you have already seen this strawberry, but it really is my gat se deksel!!

Need a drink?

Liquor Licenses (For non-Muslims only)
Licences are issued through A&E and MMI the two licenced suppliers of Alcohol in Dubai.
Just go to one of their outlets and pick up the forms

DOCUMENTS REQUIRED
No one said it is easy!!!

1.Original passport with valid Dubai Residence Visa, plus copy.
2.A salary certificate from your employer in English and Arabic (because your quota amount will be determined by your salary. Housewives are entitled to .... nothing!)
3.A coloured passport size photograph with your full name written on the back and one of your spouse ( if you authorise him/her to purchase on your permit)
4.Completed Application Form in English signed and stamped by your employer as well.
5.Copy of your accommodation lease.
6. A letter of no objection from your employer. This is to be addressed to Dubai Police, Dubai Police General HQ, Dubai - along with a Company stamp and signature.
7.Fee - Dhs150 in cash
8. Copy of your Labour Contract.

9. For renewals you need everything as above and you MUST have your old license. The number and expiry date are put on the form

Your license is valid for one year.

PS If your company is in a "Free Zone" then you also need the no objection letter stamped and signed by the free zone authority as well.


Drinking and Driving
There is one simple drink-drive rule here. Don't. Ever. At all. If you get caught, you go to jail. Even if its only one little drink. And if you have any alcohol in your system at the time of any accident, your insurance will not pay out. Doesn't even matter if it was your fault. If you were drinking alcohol, then that's it. No arguments. Jail for you.

Some would then consider taking a taxi if they get inebriated. If you don't smell of alcohol and don't appear drunk, you're fine. However, if you are tipsy, sloshed or plastered, your taxi driver will probably just drive you to the nearest police station where you will be arrested for public drunkenness.

It's simple. Drink at home if you must. And don't drive anywhere. Or if you plan on going out and having a drink, make sure you have a sober friend to drive you home.

Now I REALLY need a drink!!

No sweat ....!!! No way !!!

Warning! This article contains descriptions of bodily fluid emissions which might upset sensitive readers ….

I don’t sweat. I am lucky – I never have. On really, really, really hot days – or after vigorous aerobically exercising (oh yeah!!), I might perspire a little, perhaps even exude a little moisture on the brow or even glisten slightly.

But no longer, now I sweat, or should I say : SWEAT. Actually, the word sweat should contain an “R” then it would be an anagram of waters – that is more like what I do now – I WATER!! And this despite copious slatherings of Industrial Strength Mum for Active Macho SportsMEN anti-perspirant.

I feel things creeping on my scalp and running over my back – it’s sweat.

I feel drips down my legs – usually it’s sweat.

My knees sweat, my hands sweat, my lips sweat … even my eyelids sweat. DD says even her sweat sweats!

Not even the strongest “Sit Still” hairspray, and gel, and mousse can prevent my hair from sagging from the sweat.

My blusher drips onto my shoulders and my blouses cling like I am in a wet t-shirt competition.

And all that happens on COOL evenings – you just do not want to know what happens on HOT DAYS!!

Man, that saying “Don’t sweat” would have absolutely no meaning here!

And the latest innovation to help you replace lost salts and minerals when you are sweating so much … a delicious drink called Sweat by Pocari!! Now you can drink sweat as well - sounds yummy!!

And, as those of you who also sweat will know – sweating causes rashes – unpleasant rashes in sensitive places. So, imagine how excited I was when I discovered that Johnson’s make a talcum powder here, especially for heat rashes – it is called Prickly Heat Powder. I bought it so everyone in the family could get some relief, and this is how the conversation went :

Dear Me : Look, I found the solution to our problems .. Prickly Heat Powder …

Dear Husband : But, I don’t want my Prickly Heated !!!!

Dear Me : *Sigh!!*

Did you miss me?

Let me explain ...

After receiving what one could consider a thinly veiled threat, a friendly warning, or an interesting bit of information, with regard to writers not being allowed to "dis" anything Arabic, I got a severe case of the heebie jeebies and, in the interests of me not spending time doing "jail time", have now sanitized my previous entries as much as I could. (I hope you still find them interesting, though!)

Now, I really did not think that my little blog with its fan club of about 3 people could possibly lead to the collapse of the economy, or start a war between currently friendly nations, but then ..... who knows???!!!

I will try really really really hard to be upbeat and positive and glowing and non-judgemental, but please "Dubai Daze" aka Anonymous, remember : I come from a country which tried to deny any problems by refusing to acknowledge them - it didn't work for us - it won't work for you. So before you get your dishcloth in a knot - read the little pink block on the top right side of the page - It says something about MY experiences and not wanting to be disrespectful... etc etc.

But, sometimes, you've just gotta call a spade a fucking spade!!

People are Talking About Me

I am soooo excited ......

People have actually read my blog and have then actually taken the time to comment about it, either in my comments sections, or by personal email or on other sites.

This is a sample of the comments I have received :

"Your blog looks very good"

"what a great site"

"Great Site! I laughed so hard, i had tears running down my face..you always seem to think at times only you notice certain things and if you say anything to anyone, they will think you are MAD! Good to know there are more like me ..:0)"

"OMG this site had me in stitches ... I laughed so hard I almost @$%$%^^* in ....."

"Well done Lulu, you should write a book. Very funny".

"Excellent. This site is very funny and reflects well the life in the UAE. Well done!"

"Good job! I just looked at it in a wizz, but want to take time to read everything. You have done a great job!!!"

"hii have just lookd at this site - brilliant. just love the photos! this website is a great, gives a really good impression of life in AD (says someone who has never been there!!!)"

"i thought this was very, very funny".

"I am at work reading your blog and laughing so hard, coworkers are convinced that I have finally fallen of the deep end. Very funny stuff"

"Hoop jy gaan daai lekker sin vir humor in jou blogs hou - ek geniet dit rerig!"

"All you are doing is writing about some of the quirky things that happen here. I think it makes the country more charming by it's quirkiness! Keep up the good work"

"My goodness THAT is hilarious!!"

"Keep up the good work"

"Hi - I liked reading your blog"

"Your comments are both entertaining and educational. I loved them. I wish I had read them before visiting Abu Dhabi in February (from the USA). My reactions to the life styles were much the same as yours but with less understanding. "

"Enjoying you blog, btw. Thankyou"

"Just found your blog and it is excellent! Please keep up the good work. I have also added it to my lists of links as well as to this short Guide to UAE blogs that I wrote the other day."

"I laughed SOOO hard, i fell outta my seat! Great Job!"

"We all enjoy reading them and have a good laugh at your adventures - you make them so interesting - hope you are keeping copies - you could make some of the experiences into a booklet guide for tourists to "Aby Daby" - what to do and what not to do!"

"very amusing and very interesting - nice to know how the other side think and live."

"certainly hope you are keeping copies of them all and going to publish them when you get back to S.A. You should have been a jounalist -honest Lulu you really write well and everything is so interesting and real - I think everyone who is getting the emails from you are thoroughly enjoying them"

"We all think you must write a book - well, you already have the first chapter done - so now just add to it - it will be a best seller for sure!"

"you have missed your vocation - you should have published a couple of books by now."

I feel amazed, flabbergasted, thrilled, embarassed, proud, anxious, grateful, tickled pink (and blue and purple too!) and tongue-tied (well, pen-tied actually!)

Thank you for visiting my blog and I hope that you will find my ramblings interesting enough to come back again and again!. And in appreciation ... a BIG smiley face .........!

Amusing Ourselves

There are two common ways to pass the time here - shopping and eating - both of which we (I) do with gusto. However, there comes a time (and I never thought I would admit this!), that shoppng and eating lose some of their appeal and one needs to look for other amusements ...

So, these are some of the other ways we amuse ourselves :

Dinner Cruise :
(well ok, so it is technically eating, but we did do something else at the same time, so it doesn't really count, does it?)

One Friday night we took a boat cruise on a dhow (a chuggy old boat type thing)... around the harbour and looked at the city lights - it was magnificent - complete with fish leaping out of the water. The cruise included supper which was a buffet with lobsters, prawns, all kinds of chicken and meat, veg, salads and lovely puddings. It was really great and very relaxing - took 2 hours to complete the cruise (and 2 hours to pry DH off the dhow -he has now decided on a career change .... wants to be a dhow boat driver.... !!)

Jet Skiing :

Next, DD and DM went off to one of the hotels and tried some jet-skiing. DM was too scared to do it on my own, so the lifeguard drove and I sat behind him, holding onto his bronzed, lean, muscled, taut young waist .... oops, forgot where I was for a moment .... oh yes .... I got the "Super Tour" because he took me all around the harbour - saw the Sheikh's private beachfront disco, private floating restaurant and his huge hangars full of all kinds of boats, yachts, speedboats, jet skis etc. There is a huge island off the beach which belongs to him as well (as do many of the islands around Abu Dhabi) - nobody is allowed to go there except him and his family. Ah, the life of the rich and Arabic ....!! DD meanwhile was scooting around on her own jet ski - in and out of oncoming boats and yachts at full speed! Afterwards we did some paddboating and kayaking (well, DD did it - DM watched from a safe distance!) It was really lovely - quite hot, but there was a bit of breeze, so it was bearable. Afterwards we had a delicious buffet lunch ... can't get away from the eating ....

Movies :

Movie tickets cost a small fortune : the equivalent of R60 to R80 each and a small box of popcorn is R40. But we did score in one area - on the way to the cinema, we discovered a coffee shop that serves cups of pure melted chocolate, with biscuits and fruit to dip into it - like your own private chocolate fondue. Now that's more like it!! Eating again!

One thing they do have here at the movies, that we don't have .... mielies. Yes, actual corn on the cob mielies (well, it's off the cob, actually) - a cupful of warm corn with butter to munch while you watch! Oh yes, and tortilla chips with two dips - one tomato salsa and one melted cheese. MMmmm Munching AGAIN!

Golf :

Golf is that "sport" where you take the stick thingy and wiggle your butt, then wallop the ball with all your pent-up aggro. In the meantime, the other ladies stand around, some tittering and giggling and some gyrating and jumping up and down screaming "Stay up" and "Get down" and "Fabulous shot dahling", as the ball dribbles a metre away into the sand trap.

Suffice it to say, we spent more time looking for our golfballs than actually hitting them, well, I did ... DD spent her time looking at the cute coach. But the course was magnificent - just what you would not expect in the middle of a desert. Hey, - we DIDN'T do any eating .....

Horse racing :

What we learnt at the horse races :

We learnt that you must remember to "look over" the horses, looking for humps. A hump indicates that the horse is actually a camel, which means it will run slower than the real horses, or possibly faster, I can't remember which ...

We learnt that as the gates open, you realise that the start takes place several miles away making the horses look like a flock of stampeding squirrels. Try as you might, there is no way you can tell which horse/camel/donkey/squirrel crossed the line first - I think the commentator decides on which one has the most pronouncable name.

We learnt that it is possible to bet on ALL the horses in the race and still not make a profit!

We learnt that choosing a winner based on what colour blouse (!) the jockey is wearing is not a guarantee of winning.

We learnt that eating a LARGE buffet causes one to feel drowsy and lose concentration on the actual horseracing ...

Ice Skating :
(yep - in the desert!! In the foyer of a shopping mall!!)

DD found out that the biggest problem with ice skating is gravity - without gravity it would be so easy, even DM could do it. And she had the wrong equipment - she had ice skates - ice skates are too slippery and, combined with gravity - spell disaster. Skates should be designed with a combination of golf shoe spikes, Velcro and superglue!

More to follow later about how we amuse ourselves in this desert we now call home (..... or is that dessert??)