Feeling better now ....

If you don't understand Afrikaans, sorry
If you DO understand Afrikaans, Ag, SO - RRY!

/www.boerseun.com
Die pennevrug van prof. Johan Combrinck, voormalige Voorsitter van die Taalkommissie van die S.A. Akademie vir Wetenskap en Kuns.


DIE UNIEKE AFRIKAANSE “FOK”
Een van die interessantste, kleurvolste woorde in Afrikaans, is die leenwoord fok en sy familie.
Dis ‘n towerwoord wat, bloot deur sy klank, vreugde of pyn, liefde of haat, ontdekking of frustrasie kan weergee.
Fok is een van die min woorde wat die funksie van byna alle woordsoorte kan vervul.
Dit word as oorganklike werkwoord gebruik (Fok die hele spul),
en as onoorganklike werkwoord (Aag fok),
as bevel (Fok dit!),
in die bedrywende vorm (Dit het my gefok),
sowel as die lydende vorm (Nou is jy gefok),
as die hoofelement in ‘n hele reeks skeibare werkwoorde (aanfok, opfok, uitfok, toefok, voortfok, byfok, agteroorfok, agternafok), ens
of as stam van ‘n werkwoord (Nou het jy die hele ding befok).
As abstrakte selfstandige naamwoord (Ek gee nie ‘n fok om nie),
of as persoonsnaam (Het jy gesien wat die fokker probeer doen?),
as nabepaling by ‘n vraagwoord (Hoe de fok, wie de fok, hoekom de fok, wanneer de fok, ens.),
as byvoeglike naamwoord (Waar moet ek die fokken tyd vandaan kry?),
as bywoord (Dis nou ‘n fokken mooi grap),
en as uitroep (O fok!).
Selfs ook as invoegsel (Onge-fokken-looflik).
Dit kan ook in homself ingevoeg word (Nou is jy be-fokken-fok).

Hierdie Afrikaanse woord kan gebruik word om wyd uiteenlopende situasies te beskryf:
Verrassing: Hoe die fok gaan dit met jou?
Bedrog: Die motorhawe het my befok.
Ontsteltenis: Ag fokkit!
Moeilikheid: Nou is ek in my moer in gefok.
Aggressie: Fok jou!
Moedeloosheid: Hoe die fok moet ek dit regkry?
Walging: Fok my!
Wanbegrip: Ek fokken verstaan nie.
Inkompetensie: Hy fok alles op.
Gesag: Wat die fok dink jy doen jy?
Verdwaal: Nou weet ek not ‘n fok waar ek is nie.
Oortuiging: Onge-fokken-twyfeld.

Dit kan horlosietyd beskryf (Presies half-fokken-vyf),
of omstandighede (Hoe het ek in hierdie fokken job beland?),
of persone (Jan Fokken Smuts),
of dinge (Kyk hoe lyk jou fokken skoene!),
of plekke (Tot in fokken Durban),
of dit kan die siel van ‘n uitnodiging wees wat van hartlikheid drup (Fok u!).

Fok is in Afrikaans onge-fokken-ewenaard!

Feeling a bit homesick today ...

I know a place in Africa...
Inspiring poetry written by Wayne Visser, a South African currently based in UK.

I know a place in Africa
Where I can feel the sun on my back
And the sand between my barefoot toes
Where I can hear the gulls on the breeze
And the waves crash on the endless shore

I know a place in Africa
Where the mountains touch the skies of blue
And the valleys shelter vines of green
Where the trees spread out a cloth of mauve
And the bushveld wears a coat of beige

I know a place in Africa
Where I can hear the voice of thunder gods
And watch their lightening spears thrown to earth
Where I can breathe the scent of rain clouds
And taste the sweet dew of dusty drops

This is the place of wildness
Of evolution and dinosaurs
Where life began and mankind first stood
Of living fossils and elephants
Where lions roar and springbok herds leap

This is the place of struggle
Of desert plains and thorn trees
Where pathways end and hunters track game
Of horizons and frontiers
Where journeys start and sunsets bleed red

This is the place of freedom
Of exploration and pioneers
Where darkness loomed and light saw us through
Of living legends and miracles
Where daybreak came and hope now shines bright

My heart is at home in Africa
Where the sound of drums beat in my chest
And the songs of time ring in my ears
Where the rainbow mist glows in my eyes
And the smiles of friends make me welcome

My mind is at ease in Africa
Where the people still live close to the soil
And the seasons mark my changing moods
Where the markets hustle with trading
And Creation keeps its own slow time

My soul is at peace in Africa
For her streams bring lifeblood to my veins
And her winds bring healing to my dreams
For when the tale of this land is told
Her destiny and mine are as one © 2006 Wayne Visser



....Ah yes, if only it was still like this ....

Dear Santa

Happy Hell-O-Ween

What's the difference ?

The country is run autocratically, with the voting population given very limited actual say over the running of the country. The disenfranchised population outnumbers those who have the "right to vote" many times to one. Millions of migrant workers have left poverty striken areas to work in the cities with streets of gold.

These workers fill lowly manual labourer positions, doing jobs that those who run the country refuse to do. These same migrant workers have very few rights and are frequently subject to basic human rights violations by those in power who are often above the law. They are paid poverty datum line wages and are treated far worse than the pampered pooches of their "bosses".

Crammed , sardinelike, into "hostels" or "labour camps" with less than basic amenities, some resort to sleeping on rooftops and the street or to timesharing their beds. They are separated from their families for months/years at a time - wives and children are not allowed. If wives are generously given work, they live in rooms the size of a cupboard, are not allowed to have their children or husbands with them and are expected to work all hours of the day and night. These women babysit the "madams" babies and, in many cases are the primary caregiver - virtually bringing them up.

Workers are threatened with "deportation" if they complain or question their treatment as there are many, many more who would be grateful to have these jobs because their homelands are wracked with poverty and disease. It is so easy to take advantage of these desperate people, and expect them to be grateful in return.

However, crime is low because punishment is swift and harsh. Lower castes are herded into their camps at night and those found wandering in affluent neighbourhoods are treated with suspicion by the police force who keep good law and order through fear of consequences. The economy booms because of natural resources that are sought after and prices are high. Tourists enjoy the rapidly growing attractions - huge hotel cities are built purely for their pleasure. They are safe and their pounds/dollars go far - they can live in luxury undreamt of in their home countries.

Slowly resentment and envy creep into the psyche of those at the bottom of the feeding chain. As prices rise, unaffecting the upper echelons, reports begin of petty crime - the theft of some bicycles, shoplifting, handbag and purse snatching. The powers-that-be decide that, in order not to panic tourists and the wealthy, newspapers should adhere to the adage that "less (reporting) is more".

More and more incidents of assault, rape and murder take place. Animal cruelty increases, beggars and scammers proliferate - despite efforts to keep them curbed. People are disillusioned with the overcrowded, stressed "golden" cities and become more aggressive and depressed. Suicide rates increase, alcoholism increases and drugs become a serious problem.

I've just realised .... I don't know if I am writing about the UAE or South Africa ....
Is there a lesson to be learned ?

I got a brand new blog .....

How many times have you seen an article or comment and thought :
"I wish I had said that!"
Well, these are some things I wish I had said -
and because someone else said them before I did,
I will do them the great honour of quoting them on this site
so millions (!!) of people can read what they did say and
what I wish I had said .....!!

http://iwishihadsaidthat.blogspot.com/

Go and have a look - and let me know what you think .......

I want an MP3 ... Player Plaper Paper

This was an advertising leaflet we recently received :

AN MP3 PLAYER BECAME .....

AN MP3 PLAPER, WHICH BECAME .....

AN MP3 PAPER!!

What's in a name?

First "french fries" became "freedom fries"
Then "danish pastries" became "cinnamon and raisin pastries" and "great danes" became "large horse-like dogs" (not really, but it COULD have happened!!)
Now, "pizza's" have become "elastic loaves" ... elastic loaves??!!

TEHRAN, Iran - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ordered government and cultural bodies to use modified Persian words to replace foreign words that have crept into the language, such as "pizzas" which will now be known as "elastic loaves," state media reported Saturday.

Mmmm, I wonder what is next ..... well, you know that Coca Cola directly translated into Chinese is "Bite the wax tadpole" ...

So, how about an elastic margaretha loaf with a wax tadpole and freedom fries?

Ah.... this crazy world of ours!

Clothes maketh the (wo)man - Re-post

Okay, we have reached the highly un-PC subject of the National Dress of the UAE. I am sure you all know and recognise the long black coat-like dress (abaya) and the head scarf(shayla) that the women wear. (As seen here, being worn by the blue-eyed infidel – Dear Moi and DD who could easily pass for one of Arab descent!)

Although abaya’s are basically black and basically shapeless, you would be amazed at the number of variations you see. Hemlines, cuffs and necklines are exquisitely embroidered and beaded – making each one a fashion statement in a subtle but very clear way. Some have a small train which drags along the filthy pavement, but most are about ankle length. This means that the ladies have carte blanche to decorate their feet with the most exquisite (and expensive!) shoes oil money can buy!

The other “must-have” accessory is a highly decorated Prada or Gucci or similarly over-the-top handbag.

Shayla’s are mostly black, but we have seen them in every other colour as well. Some are patterned, some fringed, some even have pom pom’s hanging around the edges! Women are constantly fiddling with and flicking their shayla’s – much like European women fiddle and flick their hair! We have seen shayla’s that leave the face uncovered, some that leave just the eyes uncovered and some that cover the entire face. The women have become very adept at eating and drinking and talking on cellphones whilst wearing the face-covering shayla’s. A Macdonalds hamburger is tucked under the chin part, thereupon follows some wiggling and squirming and viola (!) out pops the empty wrapper!

I feel most sorry for the babies who never get to see their mother’s face once outside the home. No smiling, winking or contortions of the mouth that normally accompany a mommy talking to her little one.

Some of the most devoted Muslim ladies wear elbow length black gloves and thick black stockings as well. And one of the most perturbing accessories I have seen is the burqa which is a stiff leather mask which covers eyebrows, nose and mouth – much like those awful braces some teenagers are unlucky enough to have to wear. The first time we saw one of these, on an elderly lady, I felt terribly concerned for her, believing that she must have been in a terrible accident and was wearing some sort of corrective headgear! They remind me of a horse’s bridle and I cannot see how these awful things can be considered anything other than gross. But, to each his/her own, I suppose.

Ladies who don’t have to cover their hands with gloves, often have them ornately decorated with henna painting. Each finger then also sports a flashy, flamboyant ring which glitters and glistens as the hands express what the face cannot. Feet are often also decorated and look very fetching in sexy high-heel sandals - another post for another day.

You know, we Westerners may feel that the abaya and shayla are offensive symbols of oppression, and maybe in certain parts of the world, they are. But I figure, anything that can cover you up when you are having a feeling-fat, bad hair, no makeup kind of a day, can't be all THAT bad!!

Looks Like We Made It ....Our Lulu Anniversary

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

DH and I celebrated our wedding anniversary last week -

30 years together

- our Pearl anniversary (get it? ... pearl in Arabic is lulu ....)

When we got married, there were many family and "friends" who were convinced, and had no qualms telling us, that we would never make it. Different backgrounds, different social status (I married the boy from the wrong side of the motorway), different looks (me a deb, he .... well, even my mother said : But, he is sooo ugly), different goals (I was off to see the world, he just wanted to be an aircraft mechanic), different interests (I love reading, ballet, theatre - you know, larney stuff, and he lives for car racing and wrestling), different manners (I please and thank you all over the place and he calls a spade a fu*king spade), different personalities (I'm the standoffish, non verbal type and he is the touchy, feely, let's talk type) in fact, even our differences are different!!

But, in spite of them - or maybe BECAUSE of them - we took the plunge and now it looks like we made it!

The word love doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about him after a third of a century of being with him. I respect, admire, treasure and cherish him. He truly is my rock, my very best friend and the only living human being that understands even an nth of my quirks and idiosyncrasies. He found me and then helped me to find myself. He is strong and sensitive, fiercely protective and doesn't hesitate to defend me in any situation.

Make no mistake, he drives me crazy often and intensely - he drives like Michael Schumaker on speed, his "Latin" temper has gotten us into some fairly hot water, he burps and farts - often and loudly!, he is beyond stubborn, his socks smell, , he slurps his soup ... and his coffee ... and his drinks ...he has no sense of colour co-ordination with his clothes, and ... and ... and

So, although he will probably never read this (he doesn't read much!), this is my homage, my tribute to this gentle giant of a man with his dauntless spirit - I appreciate him and am so grateful that he stuck with me through this rollercoaster of life and every day I wonder how I could have got so lucky as to pick the very very very best one of the bunch.

More Restaurant Fare

How to ruin good baked beans!!

Restaurant Fare

Does this mean the lamb is really really really underdone?

Some SerIOUS Bling!!

testing again

what is going on with the internet ???

Look what came through AD Airport customs ....

The Good, the Ugly and the Really Really Bad

I bought some little round brown fruits from a fruit vendor who informed me that they tasted like lychees, only sweeter. I was the only one brave (or stupid) enough to try them and they are obviously more closely related to quinces!! My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth and my throat felt like I had swallowed some of the desert sand. DH and DD both got sore stomachs - from laughing at my puckered mouth. Tomorrow I am going back to that fruit vendor to teach him a few choice Afrikaans swear words! (I am still drinking water and trying to speak normally).

It took all our courage, but we did actually try one of the strange new fruits - dragon fruit. A beautiful, appetizingly bright pink fruit, the size of a grapefruit, with pure white flesh and tiny black pips. One cost us a fortune, but we felt it was worth it because it looked so delicious. We cut it up and munched - and spat out! It tasted of absolutely NOTHING. Like chomping on polystyrene. It obviously spent all its energy on looking good and forgot about taste (mmm, sounds like some people I know!). So much for dragon fruit - yech.

The latest epicurian (eating) misadventure is a durian ...

A durian is a prickly, pawpaw sized fruit and this is what they say about them on the Internet :

"Tastes like apple and banana custard, with a texture between custard and porridge. Creamy and yummy. "

There are many internet sites devoted to durians, including poetry written about them... are you starting to get suspicious? Well, not me, yet. In some countries, you are not permitted to transport them on public transport or into hotels because of their smell .... does that make you want to rush out and try one? Well, I did ....

They lie!! Durians do not have a smell - they have a STENCH, which can be described as : a sewer full of rotting pineapples, skunks, decaying rotten eggs - well, you get the picture.

I just HAD to try it - I paid Dh40 (!!) for one, transported it home in DH's new car - which now has a semi-permanent smell of dirty nappies, cut it open and infused the entire house with it's whiff (which is actually visible - floating on the air!!) and actually scraped out the slimy, squashy insides and ate it.

Before we go any further, let me give you some Life Advice - Wherever you are, whatever you do, don't ever, and I mean EVER !!! eat a Durian. Don't listen to what people say about it smelling bad, but tasting good - it tastes worse than it smells.

Today I found a truthful description which says that they taste like a mixture of Stilton cheese, bananas, garlic, whiskey, honey and various other unmentionables. Now, that is closer to the truth. Why would anyone want to each such a thing? I think they should bottle the smell and use it to bomb the enemy - any war would be over in a matter of minutes.

I know what you are thinking - why does she not learn? Stop trying those weird fruits and vegetables. But, just the names, like rambuttans, mangosteens, chikoos, sound so exotic and conjure up images of faraway, mysterious lands .... and so DM is caught again and again and again.

Deja View

The next couple of posts were on my blog previously, but were lost when I revamped the blog. I want to make sure that all the posts are definitely on, so if you (as an "old" reader) have read these posts already - I apologise, there will be new ones soon...... promise!!

Where are all the sick people?

A recent report stated that every company will now have to employ 2 disabled persons on their staff. I think this is a superb idea, but .... I wonder where they are going to get all these disabled persons? Truthfully, when last did you see a cripple, or a blind person, or an amputee or someone in a wheelchair, or anyone with a physical or mental disability? I have been here almost 2 years and in all that time, I have seen one person in a wheelchair and yesterday saw someone who obviously had Downs Syndrome.
I haven't even seen anyone with a broken leg or arm, or even anyone with a bandage - the most "disabled" person I have seen had a plaster on his forehead where he hit his head on a cupboard.
So, where are all the disabled people? In fact, where are all the old people too? Don't see many of them around either.
What happens to you when you get old or hurt?
Okay, I presume that old, sick, disabled expats are shipped back to their countries, but surely UAE residents suffer from age and accidents, just like the rest of us humans? Or is it really a country populated with only rich and beautiful people?
OMG, I am so old and fat and ugly, I guess MY time will soon be up .........

Oh, I have just seen this article on another blog - great minds must think alike!!
http://secretdubai.blogspot.com

Talking Dates ... again ...

I have discovered dates ... not the hard, compressed bricks that we are used to - but fresh, sweet and succulent. There are many different types of dates - depending on the country they are from. ("Experts" tell me the best are from Syria or Lebanon). Here they are served plain as an appetiser to stave off hunger, raw, stuffed with nuts and various other stuffings, in cold food, in hot food, as a syrup (VERY yummy! Try it!!), as a flavouring for milk (not bad) and as ingredients in many sweets and desserts. We even had date tea at the Emirates Palace Hotel - As a total tea hater, it converted me - YUMMMMMY. I am sure if the country was not so anti-alcoholic, they would find a way to make date wine .... now THAT sounds good!!

This time of the year the date palms are again pregnant with the promise of a bountiful crop of gold. (Wow! How's that for waxing lyrical....!!)

And, now I have discovered the ultimate date ... frozen. These delicious little bombs of ice cold sweetness are so addictive, someone is bound to ban them soon - so try them if you ever see them - and remember, you heard it HERE first!!

I really hate bloggers who start an interesting blog and suddenly just stop blogging - it is soooo irritating to click on one of "My Favourites" and see the same old same old day after day.

And now, I have become one of them - a non-blogging blogger!!

Well, I did try a couple of times to update, but .... after battling for an inordinate amount of time to actually get into the bloody blog (see, I couldn't remember HOW to get in, and then couldn't remember my user name OR password...!!! Ho hum), well, then I just sat there looking at the blank page, wondering : Is this how exciting my life has become - a complete blank - that I find boring, nevermind anyone else.

Then I thought I would put up a couple of photos - at least then I wouldn't have to ACTUALLY write anything .... really really REALLY cannot remember how the hell to get photos onto the blog. Aw shit!

Anyhooo, I am determined to rejoin the blogging community SOON, so don't lose hope ....
I VILL BE BUCK!!

Miss Communication

So, as you know, we went back to South Africa - taking our newly learnt "Arabic" with us ...

There are now more than a couple of Saffers muttering : "Up YOUR inch with a shalla". (And, co-incidentally, the hand sign that usually accompanies Inshallah means a**hole in SA!!

And "tomorrow" has become an acceptable, actual length of time - almost as long as the South African "just now".

And now, back in the desert ...

Imagine the petrol jockey's face when DH leaned out the window and said "Woza Nkosi"... priceless!!

When you drive past a car and the driver grins and says "Jou bliksem" - it is NOT actually a compliment, just us swearing at you!

Been there and back ....

Just got back from the Motherland – went home for Christmas for the first time in over a year. Thought you might like to know what I thought – I began comparing “home” with “home” and this is what I found :

- Entering the country through customs :
UAE : We were greeted with a sullen grunt of “Hmmpf, passport!” and sent on our way with “Go!”
South Africa : We were cheerily greeted with toothy grins and “How are you? Welcome to South Africa, where are you visiting? Enjoy your stay.”

- On feeling safe and comfortable :
UAE : We finally relaxed and began to believe in the inherent good of people whose sole purpose was NOT to rob, murder or rape us.
South Africa : Within moments, our paranoia (justified by previous bad experiences) returned – we clutched our bags tighter, looked around suspiciously, were unable to leave any possessions unattended for even mere minutes, we locked and double locked car doors, hotel doors and luggage padlocks.

- Cars and traffic :
UAE : Traffic jams and snarl ups on a daily basis, but somehow, apart from the fools in the fast lane, most people patiently sit and wait their turn and let others pull in front of them (although, mostly, you don’t have an actual choice in this!)
South Africa : Traffic jams and snarl ups on a daily basis, most people turn on the road rage when they turn the car key. Drivers are belligerent, confrontational and use swearwords and zap signs far more than they use their hooters.

- Litter and pollution :
UAE : We have always remarked on how clean the streets and parks are – people walk or picnic or sit among the gardens and leave only their footprints when they leave.
South Africa : Streets and parks are littered with every conceivable type of rubbish, from plastic bags, cans, and bottles to garden rubble and dead animals. Trees and flowers are routinely destroyed just for fun. Concrete benches, rubbish bins and street signs are an invitation to prove how strong you are as you reduce them to rubble. Every surface is covered in ugly graffiti.

- Dress :
UAE : With the occasional exception of mutton-expat grannies trying to dress as young lambs, most ladies dress with a certain amount of decorum and respect.
South Africa : Sitting and people-watching in one of the malls, we could not believe that parents allow their daughters out in public wearing the skintight, microshort, low cut outfits we saw. But then, lots of the mothers were wearing them too. Watching people go up escalators and glass lifts was like receiving free biology lessons – not much left to the imagination!

- Television :
UAE : Strict censorship feels restrictive and irritating, but …South Africa : Talking about free biology lessons – just watch some of the soap operas – you won’t have to give the “birds and bees” talk to your kids – it is graphic and very realistic and all in “family viewing time”.

Conclusions :
Yes, distance DOES lend enchantment to the view – nostalgic memories are fuzzy and warm and leave out the harsher realities.
Yes, South Africa DOES treat tourists with more warmth and friendliness.
Yes, South Africans ARE more friendly and warm than Emiratis who, at times, seem quite hostile.
Yes, people in the UAE have a far stricter moral code, which I, personally, think holds more promise for the future than the “everyone-can-do-as-they-please” attitude.
Yes, it was nice to see naturally-growing trees and shrubs that were not planted in strict military rows and shorn and shaved to the exact same shape and specification.
Yes, it was extremely irritating to be swamped at every traffic light by vendors, sick, lame and lazy beggars and all kinds of suspicious looking loiterers.
Yes, it was a shock to have to empty your wallet, max out your credit card and promise the soul of your firstborn just to fill up with a tank of petrol.
Yes, it was very pleasant (to say the least) to come back and find our cars where we had parked them, and our house intact – not a common experience lately in SA.

So, I have decided my heart is where my home is – whatever country that may be – as long as DH and DD are there – but, my soul will always be African – there really is a kind of magic that you can never lose.

But on the other hand .....

Following on from my previous post ...

On the other hand - There is a patriotic spirit here that most countries would wish their citizens had - flags fly proudly on buildings, bicycles, cars, trucks, even overhead cranes. Pictures and photos and mozaics of sheiks, past and present, are literally on every corner and in stores, houses and cars.

On the other hand - The Moslem people have such a strong belief that they staunchly uphold their customs through ridicule, ignorance, uncomfortable praying positions, early morning rising, fasting, temptations from those with less moral fibre.

On the other hand - Abu Dhabi goes to enormous lengths to beautify main roads and gathering places. Trees, shrubs, grass and pot plants are laboriously planted out by hand and nurtured daily - some of the most beautiful and lush sidewalks I have seen in the world - here in the baking desert!

On the other hand - I love the fact that you can watch tv without having to sit through hours of inane adverts for anything from washing powder to airlines. (But the number of adverts seems to be creeping up daily - pity!)

On the other hand - It is a dream come true not to have continuous power cuts - with the ever increasing demand, they seem to have got the supply/demand conundrum solved.

On the other hand - What a pleasure to drive without spotting (a) dozens of dazed and lost pets and (b) dozens of squashed and dead pets on the road. (I'm not sure how they solve this, and I am not sure I WANT to know - a case of out of sight etc.)

On the other hand - I am shocked and embarassed by the way some non-Locals dress in public, treat others, get drunk etc. So I am not surprised at a certain amount of resentment and disgust - they disgust ME too!

On the other hand - I am constantly in awe at the amazing things that have been created here, with or without expat expertise! I know that if this oil had been found in Africa, the profits would have been selfishly sucked up by those in power, with no thought of spreading the wealth amongst the people. Here, it seems, everyone gets a share.

On the other hand - Surprise, surprise, we've come to love our new home - it has its faults - what country doesn't - but good outweighs bad so far, and one day when we leave, a little bit of our hearts will be left here.

My reply to your replies

Just gotta say :

Yup, I am white, I am South African and I am quite broad too - good guess!!

So you are telling me :

When you walk in the street, people smile, look you in the eyes and greet you (well they DO in some parts of the world) ....

When you (as an expat) sit all alone in a cafe or on the beach or at a club, other expats smile at you and ask if you would like to join them .... (The only expat I know who has done this, is ME!)

That furry long tailed rodent I saw trying to get up the steps was a .......???
Those brown scuttling insects that stream over the pavements are NOT cockroaches??

That schooling is cheap, housing is cheaper and you are saving as much as you thought you would? Please let me know your secret ...

That people here allow you to go first out of a door, or, if not, they hold it open until you have passed through... yeah right! That, if YOU hold the door for THEM, they say thank you ... yeah right!

And, finally, that you found things here just as you thought- If you did, then you must have had someone telling you things like : "It's a beautiful country, but ..." or "The Locals might seem distant at first, but ..." or "What seems barbaric to one person may seem normal to others and will take time to get used to" ................... and THAT is all I ask - be proud of your country and what you have achieved, but also have the guts to be honest and help others be more prepared for reality, then they won't feel so disappointed.

LET'S BE HONEST ...

Warning : This post contains negative obsrvations which be harmful to sensitive viewers. And if you have any intention of telling me to pi** off back to my own country - a bit of advice - DON'T BOTHER.

I think I have been here long enough, and have experienced enough to be qualified to start being honest about life in this giant sandpit. I wish someone had been honest enough before I came out, to stop looking at life here through sugar-coated, palm fronded glasses, maybe then, when reality bit, I would have been a bit more prepared.

Let's be honest : The European(ish) expats are not friendly and encouraging and helpful and dying to include you in their little cliques. They actually wish you (and your newbie enthusiasm) would leave them in peace to admire their latest gold charm bracelets or Gucci handbags.

Let's be honest : The Locals (Arabs) have a superiority complex (as if they actually created the oil), are REALLY not friendly and they are not glad that YOU are in THEIR country - as far as they are concerned, you are here taking their money and they wouldn't bat an eyelid if you just evaporated into the heat haze. They can BUY plenty more like you.

Let's be honest : The people that are left - Indian, Phillipino, etc - are the only ones who will smile and greet you, and that is mainly because you have the power to hire or fire them, so they are just brown-nosing you anyway!

Let's be honest : You might be earning mega-bucks, but you are going to be spending MEGA-bucks - essentials like rent, food, clothes, schooling, books are all going to erode the "millions" before you can say : "F*ck, prices are high".

Let's be honest : The magnificent skyscrapers and glittering malls are only the facade to a crumbling, stinking, rat-ridden, cockroach infested inner city which is swimming in gobs of spittal and decaying vegetables.

Let's be honest : There is no crime according to statistics, because nobody is going to report it - what's the use if the weak and voiceless are the victims and the well-connected and wealthy are the perpetrators.

Let's be honest : People here do not place a high value on other people, animals or property. Rudeness and arrogance abound, most are selfish and oblivious of anyone else's comfort or discomfort - they blow smoke in your face and your food, they use two or three parking spaces at once, they push in, they hawk and gag and spit within inches of you, they don't keep appointments or promises or guarantees. Cruelty to animals - wild and pets - is the norm and is almost a national sport. Cars are routinely scratched, sat on, bumped into and dented, whether accidentally or on purpose.

Let's be honest : Customer service is an unheard of art - and the quality of most goods means returning to the shop at least a couple of times. If you are lucky they will grudgingly send the item in for "repair" which takes 4 - 6 weeks. No such thing as an apology or compensation. And no such thing as a Consumer Council to help the ripped-off customers.

Let's be honest : There are very few camels in this part of the country - you will need binoculars to see one or two on the dunes. There are very few souks here - those that do exist sell mostly crappy Chinese plastic rubbish, no such thing as traditional Arabic crafts.

Let's be honest : Stallkeepers and shop-owners do NOT want to haggle - they certainly are not the eager, friendly merchants you think you are going to see. Mostly they completely ignore you, and don't really care if you walk away, but if they do rouse themselves, they will seldom good-naturedly barter with you, prefering instead to bark out the price in a "take it or leave it" tone.

Let's be honest : The desert loses it charm after a few hundred times dune-bashing, one can only take so much of the history and culture, the language is unintelligible and difficult to learn, the food is bland and boring - thank goodness for Indian, Italian and American.

Let's be honest : The grass does always look greener on the other side - maybe it's because of all the SH*T there!!

Ok, your turn now - tell me how wrong I am .....................

What I Have Learnt in the Last Year

Well, we have survived our first year in the sticks (well, the sand really) and even more amazing – the Arabs have survived US!! So, time to take stock, reminisce and see what (if anything) we have learnt ….

I have learnt that

* camel milk is best left for baby camels (camellettes)

* out of sight is definitely out of mind, or so it feels sometimes – people are obviously getting on with their own lives, but being so far away can sometimes feel soooo lonely

* taxi drivers with hair dyed red should be avoided at all costs – unless you really ARE suicidal

* lots of money certainly does not give you lots of class

* “mosque music” can actually grow on you and often sounds quite pleasant

* not all meat labeled “lamb” comes from actual baby sheep, sometimes it tastes like it could be baby iguana – Syria does not have delicious lambs

* South Africans are not the worst racists in the world

* small brown round fruits should be avoided at all costs – maybe they should be sent by the ton to New Orleans to soak up the flood water …

* STAY OUT OF THE UAE in summer
* STAY OUT OF DUBAI at rushhour
* STAY OUT OF THE FAST LANE when driving

* Abayas and shaylas are not only beautiful, but practical as well – but also damn hot

* Don’t eat before going dune-bashing in a 4 x 4!!!

* “Inshallah” and “tomorrow” are good all-round words to use often

… I am sure there are many many many more things I have learnt – I will add them as I think of them!

Movie Sub-titles

Most of the English movies shown on tv here have Arabic subtitles. Now, I find subtitles irritating at the best of times - I won't even consider going to a movie with them because I am so busy concentrating on the bottom of the screen, I usually miss all the actual action above.

But you have no choice on the tv screen.

My points are :

How can it take three lines of Arabic to translate the words :"Yeah, ok"
Sometimes the Arabic squiggles take up almost the whole screen.

Then, if you are watching a non-English, non-Arabic film, you have the English translation with the Arabic translation superimposed on top. So nobody can understand anything!!

What are they translating when music is playing and nobody is talking?
"La la la di da doh..."

And, for goodness sake - what are they translating when a horse neighs or a dog barks?
"Horse says .. bhrrr" or "Dog barking in shrill voice" ????

Let there be light ...

One of the most impressive mosques in Abu Dhabi is the Sheikh Zayed Bin Sultan Al Nahyan mosque which is named after the late Sheikh and is very hard to miss. It is considered one of the biggest mosques in the world and covers 22 000 square metres.

And now - according to the Khaleej Times newspaper, the world's largest chandeliers, worth $8million will be installed at this mosque. They will consist of Swarovsky crystals and the largest chandelier will be 25 metres in height, 10 metres wide and will weigh 9.5 tonnes!

So... size DOES count!

Women's Culture

DD and DM took a drive to the Women's Cultural Centre the other day. Here are some photos we took ....

At the entrance - couches and chairs covered in wonderful, handwoven fabric - in front of a magnificently carved door

A picture of the late Sheikh - made entirely of tiny beads -

an absolute masterpiece!

... and the gorgeous DD is a masterpiece too!

Inside, we found a bevy of ladies beavering away making baskets

How to make a stunningly beautiful young girl look like a horse!

Or Goucho Marx!

The other side of the Emirates Palace Hotel

You know that larney hotel near the Marina Mall in Abu Dhabi - the fancy one we have all been dying to have a peak at. Well, fortune smiled on the "Lulu" family and we were able to gatecrash ...

Like typical "niks gewoond" tourists, we gazed and gasped and gawped ... and snapped photos of anything that moved (or didn't move, too)

We were even stunned at what was in the basement parking - rows and rows of sparkling, brand new BMW's, Merc's and even Bentleys (or were they Rolls Royces?) DH couldn't tell me - he had tears streaming down his face at the time and his tongue was hanging on his tie, so he couldn't speak!

One floor had all white cars, the next floor had all black and a third had all silver! (I think they are part of the hotel deal where you get a chauffeur driven car as part of the stay).

We took the obligatory photos of the chocolate pudd with actual, real, proper GOLD LEAF on it, and the ice bar - made of actual, real, proper ICE!

You really know you are a peasant when you are so overwhelmed that you take photos of the toilet signs, the toilet doors and the washbasins!

But, what are you when you sneak a piece of toilet paper into your handbag to show them folks back home - 'cause it is so thick and so soft????

I've got PMS today

... and in case you don't know what PMS is, it is Putting up with Men's Shit.


A recent scientific study found that women find different males attractive, depending where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating, she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features.

When she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump jammed up his a**.

Yup, got a bad case of PMS today - can't live with them and now we can't kill them either!

Wanna eat ME?

A new shop has opened in the local mall - some kind of artsy fartsy bubblebath and handcream shop, much like the Body Shop. DD andDM of course had to investigate this new kid on our block.

Well, they had all the usual fruity / vegetable facemasks etc - so you can cleanse your face with a cucumber mask, then slather on some basil and papaya cleanser, followed by a refreshing dose of lemon and strawberry toner and finally some kiwi and mango moisturizer. So, all in all you can smell like a fruit salad (or a Caeser salad, it's your choice!)

All well and good, but then we spied something that was strange - even for us!! Tomato flavoured handcream, zucchini flower spritzer and mushroom handbalm. Now, who the hell wants to smell like a freaking tomato - eeww, secondly : what on earth does a bloody zucchini smell like? Does anyone know ... does anyone WANT to smell like that?? Ok, and finally, mushrooms grow in shit and have a musty, rotten, shitty smell - who would want a handbalm that smelt like that?

Wait ... it gets better .... (cue dramatic music .... ta ta ta ta)

DD called DM over to look at a bottle of Hotdog shampoo....

No way !!! You've got to be kidding ... it even has a picture of a dog on a hotdog bun on the bottle. Imagine your lustrous tresses blowing gently in the breeze, and reeking of hotdogs.

But, then they slightly (ever so slightly!) redeemed themselves ... it was actually dog shampoo ... you know, so you can have a "hot" dog!!

Mmmm, methinks the world done gone crazee!!

So, how many DATES have YOU eaten????

Me, well I must admit there are some dates I would not eat : 25th December seems a bit inedible, and 22nd January would probably give you indigestion, but all other dates seem ok, what do you say??

Then, of course I would never eat a date on the first date - convent bred and all that!

But, I do LOVE fruit dates (no, not fruity dates with limp wrists)

What am I going on about ??????

I LOVE DATES !!!

Well, I told you that the date palms here are laden with the most delicious, tempting fruit and I have had to literally slap myself to stop myself from plundering the roadside palms and scoffing their fruits. (Was not, and am still not, sure if one could be arrested/beheaded/deported for such wanton acts of greed and depravity!)

But, then one day, after driving past miles and miles and miles of the golden sun-ripened dates, I threw caution to the wind (ha, what wind?), pulled over, leapt out of the car and grabbed myself a couple of handfuls of the dates. (Who could resist??) I scuttled back into the car and surveyed my treasure - they were about the size of my thumb, golden on top and dark brown on the bottom. Eeww, first problem - the brown bottom bit was all squishy and soft - nice from far, but far from nice. Ok, so I ignored the bottom half and proceeded to munch on the tasty yellow bit at the top. EEWW blechh, second problem - it was hard and crunchy like an apple and tasted like .... well, not sure what....., but definitely NOT GOOD!! I spat out the half chomped bits and hurled the rest out of the car window.

I wondered where I had gone wrong - maybe they need to be processed, like olives, before being edible. I asked one of the local guys the next day. He slowly shook his head and said : "No madam, you not eat dates on side of road, they for camels only!" Yup, I had been munching the inedible dates which they feed to the animals! Of course, DH and DD have had a field day with teasing me about THIS experience!!



Little footnote :
In Islam it is forbidden to eat two dates (or cherries, or similar things) at the same time, and if you do, you must ask permission first!

BLOODY BLOGGERS BLOCK

Sorry fans (er, fan!) have had a severe, non-contagious (I hope) case of Bloggers Block - couldn't think of a single interesting thing to say ... You know, when you begin your blog, you have grandiose visions of millions of readers worldwide glued to the small screen, devouring your every enthralling word - so you ramble on and on and on. The next step is when you realise that nobody really cares what you did on a daily, hourly or nano-secondly basis - in fact, you even bore yourself into a coma.
So, had a small hiatus, gathered myself towards myself and now .... I'M BAAACK!!
Hee hee hee - be warned!!
See ya all soon ................

Replying to comments

OK guys, if you send me an anonymous comment and ask that I contact you, ummmm please make sure there is an address that I can reply to ... saves me having to sift through the heap of entries in my blog trying to find out which one you commented on! I aint got the time, energy or inclination to do that!!

If you are sending me any kind of advertising in my comments section, take note - I don't want my penis enlarged or my breasts reduced, I don't have acne or any other social disease, I AM NOT GOING TO CONTACT YOU ..... SO PISS OFF !!

Thank you, over and out, and good night!!

DD's value goes up

An article in a recent newspaper regarding a camel auction :

Male camel fetches Dh680,000 at auction THAT'S OVER A MILLION RAND!!

Abu Dhabi: A male camel was yesterday sold for Dh680,000 (US $185,286) in an auction during the Abu Dhabi International Hunting and Equestrian Exhibition 2005.

About a hundred people attended the auction yesterday. Thirty-five camels were sold to traders who saw it as "an opportunity of a lifetime" and a great "bargain".

--- Well, the next wizended up old goatherder who offers me a couple of camels for DD's hand in marriage will be accepted so quickly, his head will spin. Man, are we gonna be RRRRRIIICCCHHH!! DD where are you ....?? DD?? DD??

Disease Toys

Ok, I know this has nothing to do with the UAE, but I was so flabbergasted (!) when I saw this, I just had to share .....

Giant Microbes plush toys. Now available: The Common Cold, The Flu, Sore Throat, Stomach Ache, Cough, Ear Ache, Bad Breath, Kissing Disease, Athlete's Foot, Ulcer, Martian Life, Beer & Bread, Black Death, Ebola, Flesh Eating, Sleeping Sickness, Dust Mite, Bed Bug, H.I.V. and Hepatitis).
http://www.giantmicrobes.com/

You must have a look .... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hinglish strikes again

I drive a hired car and the mileage is almost 35 000 and is starting to make strange engine sounds. DH suggested that I contact the car hire agency and check when it needs to go for a service, which is usually done at 35 000km as you get fined by them if you do not bring it in for service on time - DH also suggested I speak to Mohammed, who is quite clued up. So today I called them :

Morning, xxx car hire
Morning, is that Mohammed?
Yeeees Madam
Mohammed, I have one of your cars and I think it needs a service
This car hire
Ok, but can you tell me if my car needs to go for service
Shurvice?
Service
Slurvish?
Service, maintenance, fix up
Yes Madam it's fixed up
No, car maybe need fix up
You have smash?
No not smash, need you to look at it
Looking at smash?
No, look at engine
Engine smashed?
No, car make noise, go agh agh agh
Madam, you ok? You need doctor?
Mohammed, can I speak to someone else
No Madam, I not Mohammed, I Ishmael, you want speak to Mohammed?

All Aboard for Al Ain

Ahh.... Al Ain - going there made me feel homesick for South Africa .....
You know - all those high walls with barbed wire and electric fences.

The question is : are they keeping people OUT or are they keeping people IN??

Culture Shock continues .....

Are you still reading??

So, who gets this disease ?
Not everyone will get it to the same degree, some suffer greatly and some suffer lightly. Some people bounce back and forth between the different stages and some people skip a stage altogether and/or repeat stages later. It is important to remember that different members of your family will be at different stages as well.

But just about anyone who lives for some time outside their own country will experience some of these stages.

What are the symptoms ?
Symptoms are very similar to those of depression :
* Sadness, loneliness, melancholy
* Preoccupation with health
* Insomnia, sleeping to much or too little
* Anger, irritability, resentment, unwillingness to mix with people
* Loss of identity
* Feeling of inadequacy or insecurity
* Trying too hard to absorb the new culture
* Unable to solve simple problems
* Lack of direction, motivation or confidence

When does it start and how long does it last?
The onset can vary from a few weeks to months after arriving in a new country.

Minimizing culture shock :
* Settle down as quickly as possible in your own home. Act as if you were going to live there forever
* Make your new home as homely as possible - photographs, mementos, reminders of home
* Be open to new ways
* Be patient
* Be constructive, try not to compare - criticize - complain
* Keep busy, but take time to relax
* Maintain contact with your home country - newspapers, email, etc. This will give you a feeling of belonging and reduce homesickness
* Increase contact with the new culture. Volunteer for community activities/charities
* Allow yourself to feel sad (grieve) for things that you have left behind - family, friends etc
* Try to join in, do not isolate yourself

So, now that we are all suicidal, I promise a lighterhearted entry tomorrow ....

Culture Shock........it REALLY exists!

OMG, I just read an article about culture shock and how they have scientifically proved that it exists. Well, they proved this in 1958 - but I have just found out about it!! (Late learner!!) ... So take your pep pills and your Red Bull and read what I found out ....

Before I impinge any copywright laws, let me tell you that it was Kalvero Oberg who identified five distinct stages of culture shock. He found that it was like a disease - it has a cause, symptoms and (yay) some cures.

I found the five stages very interesting, hope you will too ....

Stage 1 : The Tourist or Honeymoon Stage - Everything is exciting and new and cute and fun. You may have problems, but accept them as part of the new adventure. (Ah, I remember it well) ... I was intrigued by everything Arabic - religion, dress, food, language, history - I hauled tonnes of books home and could almost recite them. I trawled the internet and prepared for the magic carpet ride. When we got here, I saw amazing, interesting people who were even more mysterious because they couldn't speak English - how fascinating.

Stage 2 : Emptiness or Rejection Stage - By now, the fact that shops are closed just when you need to shop, that taxi drivers can't or won't understand you, that your food is considered sinful and only available behind curtains in certain shops is irritating, painful and certainly no longer cute. You no longer try to learn a few Arabic words, insisting instead that "they" should speak English like everyone else. When they don't, you are convinced they are talking ABOUT you, not TO you. You complain more and may even become aggressive. In this stage, expats seriously consider leaving, or resign themselves to staying.

Stage 3 : The Regression Stage - You find yourself going backwards and you spend more time speaking your home language, eating food from home and actively seek out fellow countrymen. You don't want to meet locals and don't care about their customs or heritage. Your home country suddenly seems wonderful and you may find yourself wondering why you ever left.

Stage 4 : The Integration Phase or Complete Adjustment - You have gained some understanding of the new culture or at least you learn to tolerate the cultural differences. You are now more adjusted. You may even find some things preferable to your home country. You have become more comfortable and relaxed about differences. You have learned to adjust, accept and adapt to your new country. You know that if you left, there are things you would miss.

Stage 5 : Reverse Culture Shock Stage or Re-entry Shock - Just when you feel at ease and well-adjusted, you return home and find that you are no longer as comfortable there as you remembered. Many things may have changed and it takes you a while to get used to home again. People have moved on with their lives and had experiences that you have not shared. You are no longer special and different, you are just another face in the crowd.

So, if like me, you feel like you are on a rollercoaster in the pitch dark, at least you know that many, many, many others have felt the same way - I am not going crazy (well, at least, not MORE crazy!!)

Tomorrow, I will go further into the symptoms and treatment of culture shock - (if you really want to know) ... this entry is far too long already .....

Some more interesting road signs ....

..... And also with you

Sometimes you get a bit irritated and frustrated with the customs and way of thinking here on the other side of the world, but sometimes they surprise you and make you long for a gentler time ......

Business Opportunities #2

Oooohhh wait, wait ... I found some more ....

4) Maid service :
You may have heard that I don't like housekeeping ... (to put it mildly) ... well, I admit it, I am one of those spoilt White South Africans that grew up with a nanny and a housemaid and a gardener etc etc. Cleaning a toilet bowl never did excite me. So, what to do now ......
Well, you are not allowed to hire anyone off the street, or recommended by a friend, or advertising on a Spinney's noticeboard - If you do, you have to register them with the Labour Dept giving reasons and details of their "qualifications" and stand as their sponsor (i.e. be liable for them) and provide airtickets home etc etc. Big palaver. You could try a "housecleaning service" - they will clean your house (for a price!) but their "maids" (who are actually men) may not specifially work for you on a permanent basis. HouseMAID services do not seem to exist here in AD, especially if you want to hire someone who lives in. Can't someone please just act as a kind of labour broker - put us employers in touch with them employees and them we can all be happy (and have clean houses!)

5) Get to know AD Tours :
How about getting someone to take newbies around AD to show them where to buy toilet paper and tomatoes and a hammer and videos, etc etc. Teach them how to get a taxi driver to take them where they want to go. Tell them the rules and rules and rules and rules about visas and blood tests and drivers licences.
Oh wait, that's MY new job ....... so take that one off your list - THAT opportunity has GOOONNNNEE!!!

Business Opportunies

In the past week I have vainly tried to obtain three services, which appear to be non-existent here in Abu Dhabi. So, if you have an entrepeneurial bent, here are some golden opportunities - I will be your first client.

1) Housing :
I have mentioned before that the housing situation in AD is appalling - disgusting hovels which are so in demand that annual rentals are the same as what people in the "normal" world would pay to purchase a decent size house. If you could build some decent sized (in other words - NOT 14 bedrooms, 20 bathrooms, 7 kitchens - who needs that!), decent priced, villa/house type abodes within easy reach of the city and the highway - you would be my hero.

1.1) Residential hotels :
If you can't manage the house thing, please look into building hotels where expats can stay in a home away from home type of accommodation. Hotels (notably, G*lf Hotel) prefer not to accept longterm bookings - opting rather for the short "get-them-in-and-out-asap" approach. Which leaves those who need time to find decent housing with no place to stay while doing so.

2) Limousines :
Ok, so we finally succumbed to the rich and famous lifestyle - looking to hire a limo in AD for an hour or two of site-seeing and having people gawk at us, wondering which famous people are inside. No such luck. In Dubai a limo will cost about Dh250 per hour for 8 people, and it costs the same in AD ... except ... the limo must come from Dubai - at a cost of Dh700. Making the total cost almost Dh1000 per hour!! Come to think of it, I haven't seen many (any!) limos here in AD - now I know why - not even a Sheikh could afford those prices. Man, there must some SAfrican oke who can weld a couple of 4x4's together and make a 16x16 for us to hire ... Com'on Boer ..... maak 'n plan ......

3) Dhow cruise :
Well, if we couldn't drive around AD, we decided we would float around it instead. Found one (the ONLY ONE) company advertised as providing dhow cruises and after searching and searching and searching for it, finally found the (nameless) restaurant outside which the dhow was "parked". Excitedly dashing up to said dhow - we found a motheaten, rickety, ramshackle excuse posing as a seaworthy vessel. The only access over the stagnant green water was along a 6 foot long splintery piece of wood which abutted onto the bottom step of a rotten wooden staircase which was missing at least two steps and part of the balustrade. Once on board, one was greeted with weatherbeaten wooden floorboards which definitely would not taken DM's weight (not that much WOULD, but that is another story!) and grimy plastic chairs which skittered from side to side as the "boat" drifted on the water.
Needless to say, we scampered off - leaving the crew still lying sleeping on the deck.

The alternative dhow cruise - more "upmarket" includes a dinner and waitress service, but for just cruising around looking at the lights, on what should be a tourist attraction - nothing!!

And talking of yummy .........

Found on the site below
http://www.muttawa.blogspot.com/

THE CORRECT WAY TO EAT AN ICE CREAM ...

A woman and her female friend were sitting on a bench in the Kingdom Mall, eating ice cream cones, when along came a muttawa, accompanied by a police officer. (You can always spot a muttawa by his beard, his thobe—the white gown worn by local men—that is always four or five inches too short, and a mien of profound hatred of all things different.) The muttawa approached the women, pointed a menacing claw, and hissed, "Don't lick it that way!"
Not being an authority on the subject, I can't with any confidence say there isn't a sura buried somewhere in the Qur'an covering the moral etiquette of licking ice cream. I suspect, though, the muttawa had wandered a bit beyond his moral jurisdiction.
"We just looked at each other," the woman told me. "I mean, how else are you supposed to eat an ice cream cone? You have to use your tongue, right? We just sat there and watched our ice cream melt until he wandered off.

And just as I was about to launch into a tirade ..... I spotted these on the supermarket shelf - right next to the toothbrushes!! And I thought to myself ... "Well, maybe there IS a RIGHT way to lick an ice cream after all ........"

Have a Break .......

I have mentioned before that many of the food products we were used to, can be found here, as well as different flavours of the ones we know. Case in point .... my favourite chocolate snack - Kit Kat. We are used to plain chocolate with biscuit, but look what we discovered here ....

These are Kit Kats with a liquid oozing out of it with every bite .... in delicious flavours of berry, mango/granadilla and orange. And, as if that was not enough .... my ALL TIME VERY VERY FAV FLAV .......................
C A R A M E L .... don't you just LOVE it ....

I just wish they came in THIS size ....

.... or maybe not ....

(I am already responsible for the economic profits of Kit Kat - about to become a shareholder!! I should get them to sponsor me .....!!!!!)

Makes you think ......

Extract from the site below, regarding censorship of advertising in Arabic countries.

http://creativebits.org/Visual_communication_crash_course

Words
Enjoy or exciting are words that can be interpreted as sexual descriptors therefore to be avoided. Words like create and greatest should be used with caution, since they are associated with God.

Arabic calligraphy is a very creative art, where words can be written down by an endless number of forms. One has to be careful how an innocent logo would be interpreted. At one point Coca-Cola was going to be banned in Saudi because if you read the script in the mirror it can be read as No Allah, No God, but eventually that decision was overruled.

Ooops - I forgot ....

Talking about driving - I forgot to mention the "hidden" speed cameras (everyone knows exactly where they are) and the speedbumps (also known as sleeping policemen and vaarthobbels - no, not fart hobbles!!)

These two well-intentioned traffic-calming concepts have taken on a new meaning on Abu Dhabi roads - commonly known as (1) test if you still have any brake pads left (2) test the reactions of the driver behind you and (3) see who can leave the longest skid marks and (4) see how fast your car can re-accelerate from 1 to 150kpm!!

So, if you want to see the underside of several cars at once, just be at the back of the queue when they get to the bumps or snaps!! Watch cars do wheelies on their two front wheels!!

And they said Abu Dhabi was boring ....!!!

Miss Daisy strikes again ....!!

Most of the roads in the UAE are in excellent condition - very few have bumps or potholes (unless they are digging them up for some or other construction project - which they do, often!!) And most of the main roads/highways are at least 3 or 4 or 5 lanes wide. And most of the roads are straighter than a dye (what the hell IS that??) And most of the roads are used by new(ish), well maintained, decent-engine-sized cars............................................

So WHY (!!!????##!!!) are the speedlimits so flipping ridiculous? If you were to polish up your halo and obey the law to the letter, you would be piddling along at the speed roughly equivalent to the speed of smell.

Four reasons : (1) To avoid having to pay the Arab-salary-sized, no-excuses-allowed fine (2) To avoid getting a "black mark" on my licence - as you are only allowed a certain finite number before you become licenceless, (3) To avoid DH smirking ".... guess who went a LITTLE BIT too fast and got a ticket .......?" and (4) To see how (s)low I could go .... caused me to decide that today I be good and obey all speed limit signs. And like the butterfly fluttering in South America, causing an earthquake on the other side of the world, my butt-numbing crawling caused mass disaster and consternation on roads throughout Abu Dhabi!

A speed limit of 120 or (more often) 100kpm on highways and main roads seems reasonable enough. However, travelling this (legal) speed in any of the three inside lanes may lead to you having a tyre imprint over your roof of one or more of the black, tinted-sightless-windowed, Sheikmobiles driven by Michael Schumachers trained on the Star Wars set - all they need for effect is a laserbeam to disintegrate slower cars that are travelling at less than warp-speed. They certainly are protected by a "Force" field - they will force you right off the road if you don't move quickly enough.

So in an 80kpm section, steering (what a pun!!) clear of the fastest lanes, we opt for the middle lane - safe at last to dawdle and amble along, admiring the scenery around us. No such luck - 80 is for sissies, and no one can accuse UAE drivers of being sissies!! Cars rocket up to your bumper, screech down from their 100-and-something speed, flash lights, hoot, swerve left, scrape past you and then swerve right - right in front of you - all in one sweeping choreographed motion, designed to scare you into moving faster next time. A magnificent move - both daring and threatening at the same time!

I reach a 40kpm zone (yes, that is not a misprint .... 40kpm!!!) - and my only option is to cleave to the extreme lane - extreme right, extreme slow, extreme boring, extreme time-consuming. Slight side track here .... the hand sign for insh'allah (meaning as God wishes) is to put all five fingertips together, pointing upwards .... so, my question is ... what does it mean when a truckdriver puts all five fingertips together and points them DOWNwards??? Whilst at the same time mouthing what can only be obscenities?? 'Cause that's what they did - I was driving so slowly, I could multitask, so there I was monitoring the rate the grass grows, watching butterflies skud past the car, picking my nose, reading my book, when one of them thar truckies screeched up to my rearend, flashed at me (his headlights!!), hooted and showed me the finger(s). I was stunned - I was doing the speed limit - in the slow lane - what more could anyone want??

I found out when I pulled over to let the Cowboy trucker pass - he was being tailed by a caravan of trucks, trailers and buses - all travelling at MY speed. Law says trucks may not overtake, so they were forced to dawdle along behind me - every one in first gear, spewing out clouds of smoke as they overheated and struggled to maintain such a ridiculous speed.

I suppose it could be worse ....

But I would prefer any of these ....

You are what you eat - (Re-post)

This is a loooong post, so don't lose heart ...

Another endless source of entertainment falls under the heading "Things we have eaten". Firstly, the eggs : You have never seen such bright ORANGE egg yolks as these. We always learnt that pale eggs were somehow less nuturitious than the brighter yellow ones. Well, by that token, these egg are the healthiest eggs on earth - they are almost day-glow orange! I made scrambled eggs for breakfast and DD wanted to know why we were having lumpy custard on toast! And the pancakes looked like radio-active UFO's!!

At first, we could not find any fresh cream, the only cream we could find was so thick, you could virtually use it for butter. And it comes in all kinds of different flavours - strawberry, banana and honey - no good for making cuppuccino's! We did eventually manage to find thinner, beatable cream in one or two shops.

There are deli counters in all the big shops and you can buy all kinds of cold meats and cheeses, from all over the world. Mostly we just stand and stare at the countries' names : Lebanon, Egypt, China, Greece, Italy, Libya, Sudan, India, etc etc. Prices are quite a bit higher than SA. Especially fruit and veg, obviously because it comes from the other side of the world, lots of foodstuff comes from Australia. There are hundreds of varieties of cheeses - some look like balls of string (and taste like it, too!), there are cheeses that are bland, salty, very very salty, bitter, herb covered, ash covered, chilli covered, you name it - they sell it. We have seen more varieties of olives than we dreamt existed (some the size of golf balls!) and dates and raisins from tiny to humungous. There are nuts of every shape, size, taste and colour (including pea-green and blood red.) Herbs and spices are sold from baskets and consist of leaves, seeds, stems, roots, paste, granules and globs that any South African witchdoctor would be in heaven to see. Pickles are a favourite and it seems that any fruit or vegetable is a candidate for pickling, including lemons, aubergines, turnips, cabbage and even eggs. Many fruits and veg are also dried and then sold - somehow, the wizened up, crinkled, rock hard, blackened lemons and oranges look so sad!!

The meat is very pricey, but it is virtually fatfree, so you can eat the entire cut. Meat also comes from all over the world, we found the most edible kind comes from Australia and New Zealand. We did try the Syrian and Lebanese "lamb", but when cooked it had a distinctly UN-lamblike flavour - and smelt like a camel's armpit, so we now boycott those countries' meat products. Alas - no pork or ham in the everyday shops, but you do get many types of "bacon" - turkey bacon, beef bacon and veal bacon - it is edible, but nothing tastes (or smells) like bacon bacon. We saw some macon on a menu the other day - WTF is MACON?? There are some really strange bits of animal for sale. I saw lamb balls, and I figured it must be a kind of meatball made from minced lamb ....no .... it is actually lamb balls! DH just cringed and turned pale when he saw them!! There are feet and tongues of every type of animal, and brains, cheeks, ears, even noses! We stick to chicken breasts, lamb chops and steak - bits we can recognise. Fish is quite cheap sometimes, it depends on what they catch that day. Prawns were very cheap the other day. They also sell crabs, mussels, clams, shark, cuttlefish and eels.

We have discovered an expat store which is more American and British than Arabic, and stocks some South African delicacies as well. We were delighted to find Milo, gherkins (at R34 for a small bottle!!) Deep Heat, Marmite (we had found chicken flavoured Marmite in the Arab mall - horrible and disgusting!!) and even the YOU, HUISGENOOT and SARIE magazines!! In a secluded area at the very back part of the store, with notices banning Moslems and warning customers that this section contained pork products, we found real bacon and, surprise, surprise, biltong (called bultung!!) and boerewors (actually called boerewors!!) I think the "bultung" was actually the dried up skin of a rhinoceros - tough as takkies and covered in chillies!!

There are some pretty strange looking fruits and vegetables : hairy lychies, bright white watermelons, knobbly cucumbers, metre long green beans, red pumpkin and other strange things that we are not sure whether they are actually fruits or vegetables. The only reason we know that they are for eating, is because they are in the vegetable section! We (read I) want to try them, but are afraid that we might end up munching the equivalent of a raw potato or onion, or cooking an exotic lettuce leaf instead of eating it raw. And just in case you think I am joking - there are many, many types of bananas - including the one which the fruit for eating raw and there is one that is a vegetable for cooking and using like a potato - so there! (PS - we even saw teeny tiny bananas, the size of a thumb!) They also sell banana flowers, stems and leaves!!

Then there are the mixed breeds, like the cross between an apple and a pear (DH likes these) - crunchy like an apple, but tastes like a pear, and is pale/white.

Compared to the puny sized fruit and veg in SA, the fruit appears to be genetically modified or fed on steroids - it all seems to have been supersized and/or handpainted. The grapes are the size of plums, the plums are the size of apples and the apples are .... anything from dark crimson red/black to translucent light pink and white. The oranges are the size of grapefruits, the grapefruits are the size of melons and the melons are .... well, just plain : huge! Many of the watermelons are perfectly round!!

They serve a lot of really fresh fruit juices and the other night we went to a fresh fruit juice bar and I had a green coconut with the top cut off. It was fun, but tasted like nothing. Just watery and slimy. DH had fresh mango and pineapple and DD had fresh strawberry and mango - both so thick they couldn't suck it up with a straw! They were lekker (yummy). Another restaurant offers a bowl of pomegranate seeds - which are munched as a fruit or sprinkled over meat like chutney!

Whilst out shopping, we treated ourselves to a cold fruit drink. DD chose a "Rainbow Blend of Pureed Fruits", which really looked spectacular - layers of pink strawberry puree, orange papaya, yellow banana, and green ...., well we weren't sure what the green layer was, but she bravely tried it. She couldn't figure out what it was, saying that it tasted familiar yet strange and the look on her face got more and more peculiar as she drank. I decided to try it and see if I could guess what it was ... it was pureed avocado pear!! In a fruit milkshake!! Well, needless to say, DD would not drink any more and went into a tirade about "people who drink eeew things!" (Actually, I don't think it was THAT bad ...!!)

And talking of strange flavours, at one restaurant we were served an appetiser of yoghurt in shot glasses with dates on the side. Neither DD nor DH would try it, but I did (will I never learn?) I had watched the people at the table next to us - they dunked their dates into the yoghurt and then swallowed the rest of yoghurt in one gulp. So, DM followed their example. Imagine my horror when the huge mouthFUL of yoghurt turned out to be SALTY, STINGY and WARM!! It was not the type of restaurant where you could spit on the ground (like the ones we normally go to ... ha, ha), so I had to close my eyes and try to force it down. The family couldn't understand my frantic hand movements signalling that I wanted ALL the rest of the dates immediately, nor could they understand the tears running down my cheeks and the slow shaking of my head. Or perhaps, they just didn't see - after all they were doubled over laughing!! It turned out to be yoghurt made from camel milk, and they serve it as a savoury, fermented to the "stringy" stage and at camel blood temperature! Yummy!!!

There are shelves and shelves of variations of honey - made from any flower or tree you can think of. They each have a unique flavour,and if that was not enough, they have honey with flavourings added. There is runny hunny (!), creamy honey, honey comb - you name it - they've got it. Even honey for waxing ladies' legs!!